tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36931067615605155402024-03-05T09:56:37.501-08:00Just Thinking.Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.comBlogger92125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-73328489323369032172013-12-29T00:11:00.002-08:002013-12-29T00:11:32.686-08:00TumblrHello Sweet Friends.<br />
<br />
I will post here from time to time, but I am moving mostly to Tumblr now.<br />
<br />
Hope to see you all soon.<br />
<br />
XoXo<br />
<br />
<a href="http://mandapanda1107.tumblr.com/">http://mandapanda1107.tumblr.com/</a>Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-85719509224536795762013-12-27T21:10:00.000-08:002013-12-27T21:10:22.165-08:00You're my best friend, and I love you.Here we are, laying in your bed. <br />
<br />
Not laying like sleeping, or laying like fucking.<br />
Just laying, talking. Laughing.<br />
<br />
<br />
You tell me I'm the girl you have had in your life the longest, other than your Mom. We laugh more. You move my hair out of my face. I wonder if this will be the night, this will be the time that changes everything. You'll realize we are perfect, you'll kiss me, hard, but in my heart, I know none of that will happen.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to keep an eye on you since you had more than enough to drink tonight at the bar.<br />
My hand is laying next to yours, you pick it up and put your fingers through mine. <br />
I draw lazy circles on your chest with my fingers before laying my head on your shoulder.<br />
I wonder if you know how your eyes sparkle, or how pink your cheeks get when you have a huge smile on your face. Not the half smile most of the world gets, but the genuine smile that I get to see. <br />
<br />
I wonder if <em>she</em> knows just how much I care about you.<br />
<br />
I know you will be falling asleep soon, your words are farther and farther apart. I make sure you have a clear path to your bathroom, just in case you get sick again after I leave. I take your shoes off and find the extra blanket in your closet to cover you with. I leave a glass of water and Tylenol on the table next to your bed.<br />
<br />
You notice I'm getting ready to leave. "Stay" you say. I say something like "Why would I stay with your drunk ass?" You say "Good, you better leave, you couldn't resist me anyways" with a smug grin. Then, you thank me, in the soft voice you use when you call me late at night. I turn off your light, lock the door to your apartment and leave.<br />
<br />
To the closed door I'll say, "I love you, you're my best friend."<br />
<br />
I drive back to my Mom's, crawl to my bed in the basement, and miss your hands on mine.<br />
I miss the smell of your bed.<br />
<br />
I miss you.<br />
<br />
<br />
Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-23955810725166841182013-12-26T21:45:00.001-08:002013-12-26T21:46:49.284-08:00Hey there, Bright Eyes.<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_52bd097aed97c2132798686">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I went to Starbucks today, and while I was waiting for my soy no water chai, I overheard a group of women talking about this boy with the purple and blue mohawk sitting at a different table. I am certain he knows they are talking about him. They keep pointing at him and whispering to each other. They didn't know anything about him, maybe he was having the worst day of his life, maybe holiday's aren't <span class="text_exposed_show">a happy time for him, maybe, it's the best day he has had in a long time, maybe he's getting ready to tell someone he loves them for the very first time in his life. Maybe, just maybe, that kid is the nicest person they will never get to know. As I leave, I can hear Atmosphere playing loudly through the headphones that he is using to block out the world. I take a minute to compliment his choice in music, and he looks up at me. He has a cute smile and bright eyes, and in the end, he gets the last laugh. He will get through this life just fine without having to care or hear what they think. Be kind to one another, it's not that difficult</span></span></div>
Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-33455695435042486752013-12-15T02:21:00.003-08:002013-12-15T02:21:41.881-08:00friendzI hate that I can't shake these feelings for you.<br />
I hate that I think every single thing you do is fucking perfection.<br />
<br />
A snapchat of a ginger snap with a smiley you drew on it?<br />
I should think that is so lame. Anyone else would.<br />
<br />
I wish I could talk myself out of liking you.<br />
I try to. ALL THE TIME.<br />
<br />
I hate that you have the best smile.<br />
I hate knowing, deep down in my heart, that even if you ever liked me back, I am almost 100% sure it would never work.<br />
<br />
I hate that you dominate my dreams.<br />
I hate that in some ways, I let you treat my badly, because I never act like I'm upset when you "forget" to text me.<br />
<br />
I hate that even when I start talking to other guys, I always come back to you.<br />
I hate that I had feelings for you, even during my last serious relationship.<br />
<br />
I hate being your friend.<br />
Don't get me wrong, I love that when something sad happens, you feel like you can talk to me. I love the way you hug me when I'm sad, with your arms over my shoulders, and pull my face in to your chest. It makes me feel protected, and small, but in a good way, like you are so big, you can keep everything from hurting me.<br />
<br />
I hate being your friend. I hate when you tell me about girls, your hookups, how you like her because she doesn't expect you to pay. How physical your time together is. I act happy, tell you that's great, maybe I will even throw in some story about a date I went on, to make it all seem good. I go home and cry. Almost the second I get in my car, I miss you.<br />
<br />
I hate knowing, that I don't mean as much to you.<br />
<br />
I don't think I am in love with you, but do I love you? Yes.<br />
I will love you always, and always from afar, because I will never tell you how I feel, and well, they say, when you really love someone, their happiness is more important to you than your own.<br />
<br />
It's true. I know I couldn't give you all the joy you deserve in this beautiful life. I will never be a great snow-boarder. I stress out easily, and you are so smooth, so easy going, no worries.<br />
<br />
I hope I meet someone, or that someday, I find the strength to let go of this friendship, but it seems that every time I gather the strength to let it die. You text me "What are you doing today? Let's hangout, hope you can!"<br />
<br />
Then just like that, my heart is back up in my throat. <br />
<br />
I just want to let you go. I have to, but it's so sad. Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-85582104750324948632013-11-10T11:21:00.001-08:002013-11-10T11:21:14.477-08:00Yuck.So Thursday I turned 23.<br />
<br />
I invited a few friends out to go drinking, it was fun, but the certain someone I was hoping would show up, didn't.<br />
In my pretty drunken state, it was worse, because I almost started crying.<br />
<br />
Now I just don't know what to do about this particular boy, I've liked other boys, dated other boys, but something about him.... I always go back to liking him.<br />
<br />
UGH.<br />
<br />
It doesn't help that he's been snapchatting me cute selfies, and sometimes the captions have little smiley faces...<br />
<br />
One second I hate him, the next I want to have his babies.<br />
<br />
I just wish I knew what he thought.<br />
I can even handle the just friends thing if I didn't feel like he was flirty with me, but maybe he isn't and I'm making it all up in my head.<br />
<br />
That's most likely it to,<br />
I'm insane.<br />
<br />
Please tell me someone can relate to this in someway.<br />
I hate being this girl. I'm not this crazy. I don't draw his name with hearts, or text him all day, in fact, hardly ever, but when he sends me something or texts me, it just throws me for such a loop.<br />
<br />
It's breaking my heart.<br />
<br />
Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-77501859751355051902013-10-29T21:49:00.000-07:002013-10-29T21:49:31.186-07:00Nostalgia.Looking through old blogs tonight, back when Kevin and I were a thing, back when I wrote deep emo poems.<br />
<br />
It's funny really, and cliché, but nothing feels super different, but looking back at my own words, my life is nothing like it was just a few years ago.<br />
<br />
I'm not complaining, the loss of my relationship, was the right thing, and though it stung like salt on a deep cut at the time, it's been such a good experience for me, and if I'm being honest with myself now, I was done with that relationship before it ended. I didn't want it to end because I didn't want to be single.<br />
<br />
My friends have changed, some are the same, some I haven't seen in years.<br />
<br />
If I could go back, to one year, I'd be 17 again.<br />
Going to a party, having my first beer.<br />
<br />
Laying in the grass of my Mom's backyard holding hands with a boy, looking up at the night, watching stars fall.<br />
<br />
Driving around with my best friend, singing at the top of our lungs in the car.<br />
<br />
17 was my best year.<br />
When I felt most alive, most free.<br />
<br />
Life is good now, no great, I just have more responsibilities now, which is a part of the growing up thing. It's true though, we really don't appreciate those years like we should.<br />
<br />
I think sometimes, you just cry because, you now realize how great those times were.<br />
<br />
I have almost all of my 20's left though.<br />
Moving out will happen soon, I'll get a better job, maybe find a decent man.<br />
<br />
Life is beautiful, and it's ok to miss the past, but I know I have such a great future to look forward to.Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-22911457880090001102013-10-25T19:44:00.002-07:002013-10-25T19:44:36.764-07:00Dream Land. Help me?I rarely dream.<br />
Maybe two a month, and usually it's an event, no particular person that I remember.<br />
When my ex Kevin and I were together, actually even in all the years I knew him before we got together, I only had 1 dream about him, and it was after we broke up.<br />
<br />
But in the last 2 months, I've been dreaming about this same guy, the same one I have the flirtationship with. I can't get him out of my head, and it's making me feel like I am an obsessive freak. Really. I am so not normally that girl that acts like that.<br />
<br />
The first I had, it was like I ran in to him years from now at like a big conference or meeting of some kind, and he just gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek.<br />
The second, we were hooking up on my couch and he made sure to tell me he liked me and thought I was hot and all, but this was just a hook up.<br />
<br />
This week, I dreamt of him twice again, In one we were in a car with a group of people he was driving and I was sitting behind him, and was rubbing his arm, and keeping one hand on the steering wheel he reached over and played with my fingers, and the last one, we were at dinner with a group and wound up holding hands and making out, but not like down n dirty making out, like sweet, like it meant something.<br />
<br />
<br />
Is anyone good with dream stuff?<br />
Can people communicate through dreams?<br />
<br />
The weirdest part is right before the very first one, I saw this dumb thing on Pintrest that said "When you dream of someone, it means they miss you and want to see you" Something like that.<br />
Anyways, that night, after seeing that, I had the dream, then a day or two later he texted me to hangout.<br />
<br />
He is really in to dreams, and even journals his. I wonder if I am totally insane, or if people can somehow communicate through dreams, or they mean nothing, or if I'm just obsessing.<br />
<br />
I would really love for some help/interpretation on this guys.<br />
<br />
Thank you!Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-16540266550224991622013-10-23T07:42:00.000-07:002013-10-23T07:42:21.742-07:00Hump DayWednesday.<br />
<br />
Kind of feeling like a Friday to me, even though I still work tomorrow and Friday.<br />
I think it's because the last 2 days I have worked 13 hours, today will actually be 14 hour work day,<br />
so the next two are normal hours, it'll be easy shmeasy.<br />
<br />
The only really exciting thing that happened yesterday is this boy that I have liked off and on since high school, I guess you could call this a flirtationship, drew me a bunch of hearts while he was in class and snap chatted me a picture of them, which would be adorable if something were to actually happen, but nothing ever does. EVER. For literally like 6 or 7 years now.<br />
<br />
Sometimes he acts like I'm a bro, and sometimes, he's hanging all over me.<br />
I also got made fun of for blogging.<br />
<br />
My friends said I was trying to make myself in to some kind of Carrie from Sex and the City.<br />
<br />
Umm, I freakin wish.<br />
She is so pretty, and confident, and also has a job writing.<br />
I wish I was Carrie.<br />
<br />
Denver is no New York<br />
I mean, I don't think it is, I've never actually been to New York.<br />
<br />
<br />
My thoughts are all over the place today, I just about went off there about how awesome Denver really was and is, but maybe another time.<br />
<br />
If you have made it this far, I'm sorry, if I was you, I more than likely would of quit reading by now.<br />
I don't know if I actually think people read this anyways, but it's nice to just write.<br />
Even if it's dumb stuff like this.<br />
<br />
Happy Hump Day!<br />
<br />
XoXo<br />
<br />
Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-57693236361374728082013-10-22T05:50:00.002-07:002013-10-22T05:50:32.035-07:00Hey uhh so u a virign?How come when I first meet a guy, one of the first things they want to know is if I'm a virgin.<br />
I'm not, but I'm never sure what answer they expect or are looking for here, I guess it's not as bad as used to be in my teenage years, that question was always at the front of their brain.<br />
<br />
I was thinking about this last night, about a guy I was seeing around Christmas of last year, and still, one of the first things he wanted to know if I was a virgin. At 22 years old, I feel like it can safely be assumed that I'm not, but some people are, and I was asked again recently by a guy I was texting because I wasn't appreciating his dirty jokes and lame attempt at sexting me. It never once occurred to him, that maybe, he just wasn't funny.<br />
<br />
Both times in my most recent history when this has been asked, it was super early in the talking stage.<br />
I just don't understand, why so soon? That can be private information, to be shared later. Day two or three seems so soon.<br />
<br />
I'm not prude, I am more than willing to talk about sex, but I don't like to kiss and tell, and I like to keep it classy.<br />
<br />
Thoughts?<br />
Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-11808941694888479732013-10-21T21:55:00.001-07:002013-10-21T21:55:29.635-07:00The Million Year HiatusSo, maybe it hasn't been a million years exactly, but I was finally able to get my hands on a new computer.<br />
<br />
Windows 8= Mind Blown.<br />
<br />
Anyways, I didn't want to be gone so long, but believe it or not, this blogging stuff isn't so easy to do on a phone.<br />
<br />
I am back though, with many thoughts to share and things to say.<br />
Still rocking the single thing, and actually, really happy with it.<br />
Had a few dates, a makeout session here and there, but nothing super exciting.<br />
I feel like maybe more would happen if I was a decent flirt, but I'm not, I'm the worst. I act like everyones bro.<br />
<br />
My birthday is coming up soon, I guess that's kind of fun.<br />
23.<br />
<br />
23...single, no prospects, no big girl job, living in my moms basement.<br />
<br />
Depressing.<br />
<br />
I work, I work hard, just not enough to get my ass out of here.<br />
<br />
What does one do for a 23rd birthday?<br />
I guess I have a few weeks to figure that out, I just feel like it's not a birthday one really celebrates you know?<br />
<br />
Anyways, my fingers have been longing to type down a collection of random thoughts like this.<br />
Feels SO GREAT to have the clicking and clacking of a keyboard beneath them again.<br />
<br />
<br />
Hope you all have been well.<br />
<br />
More Soon!<br />
<br />
XoXoAmanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-72425270636141924212013-03-16T23:07:00.001-07:002013-03-16T23:07:50.549-07:00Sooo. It's been forever, but....<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> my computer quit on me. :(</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Working On It, Just Poor. I'm Doing This From My Phone And It Sucks. It Has Been Capitalizing The First Letter Of Every Word And I Had Been FXing It Till Now Because It's Bothering Me A Ton, But Oh Well.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Weird That It Does That On Here...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Ugh. Technology, I Hate you.</span>Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-27812377025011302722012-11-30T23:25:00.001-08:002012-11-30T23:25:55.876-08:00date dosWent well!............maybe?<br />
<br />
We talked for 4 and a half hours..<br />
Walks me to my car, mentions how cold it is, we hug, tighter and closer than the first date, but no kiss. I hugged him again and kinda stood there waiting, but still nothing..<br />
<br />
What am I doing wrong?<br />
He said he wants to see me again. I don't get it.Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-83362773546300552202012-11-28T15:42:00.000-08:002012-11-28T15:42:05.747-08:00all smilesI was worried for no reason....<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Well maybe not no reason....I think we have all had a date that we thought went wonderfully, but then for some reason we never hear from the guy again.... </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am happy to report that in this situation, that is not the case. Looks like I will have a 2nd date this Friday night. :) Happy girl. </div>
Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-16795110814666171222012-11-26T15:31:00.001-08:002012-11-26T15:31:32.780-08:00being a silly, silly girl.What do you think...hmmm how to word this... for a second date how long does it take to be asked? Just plain curious.<br />
<br />
<br />
Not trying to rush anything at all with this guy just hoping he really meant it when he said he wanted to hangout again.... I mean I think he did.... we had a good time. Literally stayed till the coffee shop closed.<br />
<br />
I know it has only been 1 day since the date so I am not worried yet lol just curious and nervous really. I just really like this one. :)<br />
<br />
Hopefully he asks me out again....sooner than later and I'm not sitting around for a month...<br />
<br />
I need advice girls!!!Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-55225851094824166382012-11-26T03:17:00.000-08:002012-11-26T03:17:04.091-08:00butterfliesI was nervous for no reason. The date went wonderfully. He didn't kiss me, but it was kind of the awkward moment at the end when you aren't sure what to do? That's what happened. He did give me a hug and said he was really really glad we went out, and that he wants to again soon, dinner and a movie or something like that.<br />
<br />
It was just a coffee date, but he bought mine, pulled my chair for me, opened the doors, walked me to my car, and we talked till close.<br />
<br />
Oh, hey there butterflies.Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-14263276193515883462012-11-25T04:36:00.001-08:002012-11-25T04:36:27.757-08:00Date?Is tomorrow.<br />
His name is Mitch..<br />
<br />
I don't know him very well, but he seems like such a nice guy, funny, and sweet.<br />
He lives at home and takes care of his sickly mother and brother. That is something I really admire.<br />
I hope to have a good story to tell you tomorrow!<br />
<br />
Eeeek. So nervous.Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-55777316588365486602012-11-23T04:57:00.002-08:002012-11-23T04:57:25.296-08:00turkey dayWell, Thanksgiving week was crazy. Working 13 hour days is not a lot of fun..<br />
My Thanksgiving was nice though. Spent a lot of time with my brother watching football. Baked two pies, and made the stuffing. That was my contribution.<br />
<br />
One more work day for me tomorrow then done for the week..<br />
<br />
Oh, I have a date Sunday. :)Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-29704123583235759952012-11-19T02:47:00.000-08:002012-11-19T02:47:05.139-08:00Thanksgiving WeekI will be crazy busy this week .<br />
<br />
13 hour work days, everyday, except Thursday and Friday Even workin' on Saturday. :(<br />
Lame.<br />
<br />
Oh well, money in the bank is a good thing. Looking forward to family time Thursday though.<br />
<br />
What are you thankful for ?Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-67858518066298852552012-11-18T05:28:00.001-08:002012-11-18T05:28:17.330-08:00do youSometimes, I do really miss being in a relationship. I am kind of at that point where it's not my ex that I miss so much, it's more just having someone..but being single isn't terrible. I have learned things about myself and discovered new passions, new things in life that I can focus on.<br />
<br />
And you know what? Those things will never wake up one day and decide that they don't love me anymore.<br />
<br />
My advice to single ladies, find projects, interests YOU love.<br />
<br />
Do you.<br />
<br />
The rest will fall in to place.<br />
<br />Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-55077950919610196532012-11-16T21:45:00.002-08:002012-11-17T04:39:12.219-08:00blissFriday Night.<br />
<br />
Out in the City. Downtown.<br />
Bright Lights, funny strangers, boys in cars, cold air stinging my face.<br />
<br />
Laughter, friends, love. Bliss.<br />
<br />
Memories we will be talking about for years to come.<br />
<br />
Happy Girl. :)<br />
<br />
<br />Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-31479349684594166242012-11-16T01:15:00.001-08:002012-11-16T01:15:28.615-08:00Advice?Well for starters, rocked this look today, what do you all think??<br />
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Also, I think I like someone, but it's one of those situations that would be awkward and could ruin everything if he found out. Hmmm. Plus, I honestly have no idea how he feels about me, well like I know he cares about me in a friend sense, but more? Not sure. How can you tell bloggers? Like...at his party in October, I was sick so I didn't stay long, but the whole time I was there, he would move so he was close to me, if not right next to me, and if I would sort of turn away from him, and talk to another friend, he would jump in and put himself in the conversation.....</div>
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Then he came to my birthday party as well, later that month, when he got off work, and again pretty much stayed with me, and he is a very social guy so he could have easily walked around. He didn't stay long either because he had work early again in the morning. Before he left, he told me he would be moving out to an apartment soon with a friend, and they would be having a party soon that I would be invited to...</div>
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I know some about body language, and when we are talking he will like touch his face and stuff, but I am a girl, and a scorpio so we over-think...EVERYTHING.</div>
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I have known him for forever, and it really is one of those things that friends is better than nothing, and I would be just fine with that.... I just wish I knew what was going on.....</div>
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Amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-59371047102637075852012-11-15T01:47:00.000-08:002012-11-15T05:46:14.553-08:00Returning?Hello All,
It has been FOREVER since I have been on here. Truthfully I was just thinking about starting a new blog, I kinda forgot about this one. I think I will just pick up where I left off though.
I started this blog when I was dating Kevin. Since then, we have broken up. No regrets though. I was with him for about 3 years. He was wrong, and did things, and said things, I was wrong and did things, and said things. He has a new girlfriend now...actually he is with my little brothers ex girlfriend. We all broke up close to the same time and they found each other I guess...I don't know.<br />
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SO. I have just turned 22. Been single since late April, and you know what Bloggers? I am ok... I wasn't for awhile, but I am now. I'm ok again. I'm not angry anymore, I don't cry over him anymore...I'm ok.
I have so many stories for all of you though.
this may turn in to a single girl's guide for awhile, or at least a story of my life being single.
We will see!
But yes, after the lonnngggg time away, I am back.
Tell your friends.<br />
<br />
So I just was looking at my blog, and sometime back I wrote a letter to a boy named Travis Mckee. June 26th, my friend Travis Mckee committed suicide... I hadn't talked to him in some-time, but maybe a week before it happened, we started talking again, we were both newly single, and just supporting each other. Also, I know a tattoo artist and was trying to help Travis get some cheap ink. I was going to text him one night about it, but I decided not to...because on Facebook I saw he had posted something sad, not a suicide threat at all, just some sad song/music video. He was such a strong boy, well man, I decided to give him space till the next day, I never got that chance.
I am a nanny now, (worked Starbucks for awhile, but never again) anyways, I was at work, when the calls started coming. At first I thought it was a different Travis, but then people started to call me, with the "are you okay?" I stopped answering the phone, and went numb till I got to leave work.
Travis shot himself. My support system was gone,my friend was gone. A boy I had the BIGGEST crush on my senior year...gone. No more bear hugs. I wish I hadn't decided to not text him that night. I can't help,but feel guilty. I can only hope now he sees how loved he was. My whole world went dark. Travis had his faults, but we all do. Overall, he was one of the sweetest and most caring people I have ever met. His candlelight vigil and his funeral were some of the hardest things to go through. 52 was Travis's football number back in his days at Pomona Senior High.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEJeeTfc6MY8hQptlGLaxD9PGg0U49xvdZu4qCnN6Z0aRV84OdcOVRj38G0WTtAVW_mvE4Z5zb49ydo-Yj6kaky9NTVe5rgEg4N7xwiYcOr0nJZ4-5pswO0fGOwuxib23yZw7y9_JSF8s/s1600/229815_10150886836346857_1324443764_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEJeeTfc6MY8hQptlGLaxD9PGg0U49xvdZu4qCnN6Z0aRV84OdcOVRj38G0WTtAVW_mvE4Z5zb49ydo-Yj6kaky9NTVe5rgEg4N7xwiYcOr0nJZ4-5pswO0fGOwuxib23yZw7y9_JSF8s/s200/229815_10150886836346857_1324443764_n.jpg" width="126" /></a></div>
I know I can't be the only one who has lost someone this way. I really think it is something the world needs to talk about more. I feel him around me, I know he is watching over me, but yet, I miss him, every single day.
Things were really dark for me for awhile, thankfully, in August, I got to travel out of the country for the very first time with my best friend Lindsay. I went to Italy and Greece. The most wonderful experience of my life. So many pictures!!!! I will include a few, but it was just what I needed. I went with a college tour group, and I made some life-long friends. Plus, I was totally crushin' on our tour guide Giordanno. So cute. I had never seen the ocean, been to a beach, none of that. I had the best food, I drank, I danced, I laughed, and I came back feeling so relieved, so at peace. One night, sitting on our balcony at a hotel in Delphi Greece, I was talking to Travis, and I saw a shooting star. That so far has been the single most beautiful moment of my life.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibSOOWlh_DhNKSN5uvW-V5a5UCZ0JoeYgESeutasW4XQUyhOZWHBNawF1ygcN0lveGU0PZUbnbGZc1RncZwcILRsy8o3GD7TBK_nuJ9P80wkTX0gP2jSEqe7l0tD0iCmOxEMUPmCZsCbU/s1600/048.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibSOOWlh_DhNKSN5uvW-V5a5UCZ0JoeYgESeutasW4XQUyhOZWHBNawF1ygcN0lveGU0PZUbnbGZc1RncZwcILRsy8o3GD7TBK_nuJ9P80wkTX0gP2jSEqe7l0tD0iCmOxEMUPmCZsCbU/s200/048.JPG" width="146" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0-OpkcNQVh0Tr1jmq7BJ0ABKMyIMaKruq6zxcCX2yS8nexkm4lKbjONFfZ-axBjWBVd5m2j7HC9cv8MhMhrVfLnYToP8V3uBfxgXf24rnp569zxx0NOB06KhnIY2uI3kW_Oj66mD2m_M/s1600/095.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0-OpkcNQVh0Tr1jmq7BJ0ABKMyIMaKruq6zxcCX2yS8nexkm4lKbjONFfZ-axBjWBVd5m2j7HC9cv8MhMhrVfLnYToP8V3uBfxgXf24rnp569zxx0NOB06KhnIY2uI3kW_Oj66mD2m_M/s200/095.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj997xjO_Mf5WRjyR9WaPon0k3RPUdnUc3q3qZxkkPkRJROdcr9WAr6d-uzD2WgsEzQ9sEmtBUq1HXkfY2KhEmbRKqrk99JU_FZpv-5HxjriEzLD80a0ZQNLetNOI7P2AabSLgawfD7NC8/s1600/216.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj997xjO_Mf5WRjyR9WaPon0k3RPUdnUc3q3qZxkkPkRJROdcr9WAr6d-uzD2WgsEzQ9sEmtBUq1HXkfY2KhEmbRKqrk99JU_FZpv-5HxjriEzLD80a0ZQNLetNOI7P2AabSLgawfD7NC8/s200/216.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQJxZoXI3fwgElzPe1H-PrxttqtCzjNfIqtEuVvoWlIqnFmsm7WWu3-t0CV8mxJKREJ5ISAWUEvTJgVQlDbs7CJqjlXa2gm99pN2WP8MqY8Nwx_vT2HaDuimhOvdhtPGI47sIVQjXJKWs/s1600/078.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQJxZoXI3fwgElzPe1H-PrxttqtCzjNfIqtEuVvoWlIqnFmsm7WWu3-t0CV8mxJKREJ5ISAWUEvTJgVQlDbs7CJqjlXa2gm99pN2WP8MqY8Nwx_vT2HaDuimhOvdhtPGI47sIVQjXJKWs/s200/078.JPG" width="134" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTw_x_ncM5soG0VEWDU9L3RAqUjK4kuQyIh_UQkEBES6bK74xWgQHN3ueGf3P6TleZGPH3aw_wK5GQoXDTTma1EkQMfytLkaGGcmcpxg6S2S6yFId9bVBd5VO9WhwQHNAq4jjvz8IDyZ4/s1600/030.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTw_x_ncM5soG0VEWDU9L3RAqUjK4kuQyIh_UQkEBES6bK74xWgQHN3ueGf3P6TleZGPH3aw_wK5GQoXDTTma1EkQMfytLkaGGcmcpxg6S2S6yFId9bVBd5VO9WhwQHNAq4jjvz8IDyZ4/s200/030.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkcJdVKx99jZThSGBEcm96E5QeNTsvf1sSVuNInSIpfcRZ4vPeoi2G0XABKx9UijWo8z0uYO8_CWN3RSfRTBYtGOPjTN30VVJyh-6kP98K2-NkLLr6GPD6wA6-2irNlBc3T9lLznWOQ9Q/s1600/284804_477436155609153_1396641303_n.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkcJdVKx99jZThSGBEcm96E5QeNTsvf1sSVuNInSIpfcRZ4vPeoi2G0XABKx9UijWo8z0uYO8_CWN3RSfRTBYtGOPjTN30VVJyh-6kP98K2-NkLLr6GPD6wA6-2irNlBc3T9lLznWOQ9Q/s200/284804_477436155609153_1396641303_n.jpg" width="200" /></a>
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so those are just some pictures for now, maybe in time as I tell certain stories of that trip I will add more pictures, but I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to go.<br />
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So forgive my ramblings, I am excited to be back. Hope to hear from you all soon.<br />
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XoXo<br />
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AmandaAmanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-76614412177856589572010-09-28T15:14:00.000-07:002010-09-28T15:40:19.713-07:00b boy.Dear Brent,<br />I feel like you were my first "grown up" relationship. You were in college, a couple years older than I, and we got along so well.<br />I met you at a party, I was instantly attracted to you, and the more we talked, the more I liked you. You were shy, but outgoing, you were witty, smart, and funny. Your good-looks and charm didn't hurt the situation either.<br />Nick told me to be careful of you, he told me you were picky when it came to girls, but I needed to see you more, so I made sure that I got to every party or group event that I thought you might be at, and it worked.<br />You started to like me, we exchanged phone numbers, and there wasn't a single day that I didn't get a phone call or a text from you.<br /><br /> We started seeing each other, all of my free-time was spent with you, I was so happy, I felt like I had finally found someone who could keep up with me.<br />We got along so well you and I. All of my friends were jealous of us, and well, I loved it. I was so lucky, but unfortunately, things couldn't stay perfect.<br /><br />It started with an argument in your car, I don't remember how it started, but you were yelling and screaming so loud, people could hear you, even with the windows up. You pulled over and kicked me out of the car, I had to call a friend to come pick me up, but of course, like any true romantic, you were at my house the next day with flowers and you apologized, and I forgave you. The fights didn't stop though, you started controling me, I didn't see my friends, I didn't do anything, but you cared about me right? So nobody else should matter, we had each other, or so I thought.<br /><br />I was so sad and lonely all the time. I didn't see anybody, but you.<br />We got in to another fight, and I thought, forget this, I'm going out. I went up to Boulder to see some friends, they wanted to go to a party so we did. I was walking around this apartment, looking for a bathroom, I was going to call you to say I missed you, but surprise, there you were in the bathroom, with a girl.<br /><br />She was pretty, long red hair, pale skin and freckles, she just looked at me, wiped her lip with her arm and walked out.<br /><br />You called me a bitch, and chased after her.<br />I sunk to the floor, and cried, everyone else continued to party, and the music was loud, so nobody could hear me. I hadn't seen this coming, I didn't think you would ever do that to me.<br /><br />We just didn't talk again after that, not for a long time.<br />Months and months later, I saw you at a party again, you told me you had made a mistake, then you got down on one knee, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. You asked me to marry you, you said you loved me, you needed me, but I didn't need you anymore, and I had to say no.<br /><br />I don't see you around much anymore, and I think thats a good thing.<br />Despite all the shit you put me through, I do hope you're alright, you aren't a bad person, you just messed up, but I had to move on with my life.<br /><br />Brent, you were the first boy to play me, and hopefully the last. You made me smarter, more cautious, and in a way, empowered me, and for that, I thank you.<br /><br />-AmandaAmanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-58934296671356734472010-09-13T14:42:00.000-07:002010-09-13T15:05:58.846-07:003Travis Mckee,<br />I met you in 7th grade, and awful year for me, I had not yet discovered make-up and boys were still scary for me.<br />You were a rebel. You had a pierced eye-brow, and you always wore these terrible black pants with chains, and an ICP t-shirt.<br />However, you were also one of the sweetest boys I had ever met. I was far from being the prettiest girl in the class we had together, but you talked to me, just the same. We hung out from time-to-time in the same groups, but it ended at that.<br /><br />I didn't see you around during any of 8th grade, and I kinda forgot about you, actually, I only saw you a couple times through 9th, 10, and 11th grade. You changed so much, you started playing football, you became so incredibly popular, and I figured you didn't remember anymore anyways.<br /><br />Senior year, I didn't miss a single football game, and we would all hang out in the school parking lot afterwards and wait for the team to come out of the locker room. I was with some of my friends, and you were walking towards us, Lindsay saw you, and she poked me and whispered, "Look who's coming over here." You came over and gave me a hug, and thanked me for going to the game, and said it was nice to see me. We smiled at each other, and it was weird, but a good weird, seeing you so grown up.<br /> So, as football season continued, we talked after every game, I remember one night in particular, as I was leacing you said, "Call me later ok Babe?" I just smiled and said ok, but when Melissa and I got to my car, we both started screaming, I was so excited.<br /><br />I did call you that night. We talked on the phone for an hour or so, and it was fantastic, we had such great chemistry.<br /><br />The following week, after friday night's football game, I was waiting in the parking lot, like usual, but this time you ran up to me, and picked me up, and kissed me.<br />I was kissing Travis Mckee, captain of the football team, and I could feel jealous eyes staring at me. You playing football or being Captain really didn't impress me, I've never been one who has cared about being popular, but I knew girls who did care, and some people were angry with me, but I didn't care, you made me feel so important.<br /><br />From that night on, I was your girl, I had your coat in my closet, and you had a picture of us in your car. I was so so happy, and so were you, we just fit together.<br /><br />I think about the 4th month in, you started smoking weed, a lot.<br />You always had done it a little bit, but it started to get to a point, where you'd ditch me if it meant you could go get high somewhere. I hated you stoned. You lost your passion, you became boring, but I cared about you so much, I stayed. We talked about it, and you promised you would cut back, you didn't want to lose me over something so stupid.<br /><br />You couldn't though, you couldn't stop, and I couldn't take it.<br />I ended things between us, and it hurt, because I didn't want to, and I really thought after you saw how upset I was, you would stop, but no, you said you were who you were and you were gonna do what you wanted to do.<br /><br />Just like that, everything ended.<br /><br />I missed you for the longest time, and I know you missed me, you would text me or call me every noe and again to say hi, or something, but we couldn't get past that issue.<br /><br />I just couldn't watch you destroy everything, it was breaking my heart.<br /><br />I don't really know what you are up to now, I think I heard you were doing construction and roofing, that you had dropped out of college, I hope that isn't true, I know you had a football scholarship.<br /><br />I want to see you do well, and whatever you are up to now, I hope you're happy. You are such a good person, and I am sorry things ended with us the way they did. I hope you're safe, and ok, I mean it.<br /><br />As Always, <br />AmandaAmanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693106761560515540.post-89511725369037183772010-09-12T21:32:00.001-07:002010-09-12T21:52:29.121-07:00Dear Tyler,<br /><br />Fuck You.<br />I mean that, to this day.<br />You played me, you were dating Renee, I as your "friend" understood that, and although neither of us admitted it, we both knew we liked each other.<br /><br />Before you and Renee started dating, I spent almost all of my summer nights with you, you'd pick me up, and we would drive around in your car and talk.<br />You called me "cutie" or "babe", you talked about Renne every-once-and-awhile, but I wasn't worried, since you had asked her out before and she had turned you down, besides things were going well between us and I was confident that we were on the path towards a relationship.<br /><br />Then, one day, you sent me a text to tell me you were dating Renee, like any girl, I was devestated, and I cried, but things didn't change between us, we still got together, you still came and picked me up, and you would tell me how jealous she was of me, and I thought for sure, you would leave her. You two were always fighting, and I just knew you would see that I was right for you.<br /><br /><br />............You never did.<br /><br />I quit texting you, or replying to you when you got ahold of me, you only talked to me when you were angry with her. I was plan b, when I wanted to be plan a, and it hurt, but more then that, it was annoying.<br /><br />I let you go.<br /><br />I hadn't talked to you in over a year when you sent me a text to see if I was with Kevin, I said I was, I asked why you were texting me after all this time, I assumed you were being nosey and I confronted you on it, you said "Just to catch up." I said "ok, sorry I guess, didn't mean to be rude." You replied, "You had a reason to wonder right?"<br /><br />I still am not sure what that was supposed to mean.<br /><br /><br />Last time we talked, I let out a year and a half of anger, I know I made you mad, but honestly? I feel so much better. Even though now I know for certain we are on bad terms, thats fine. I don't feel awkward, I think you do though, and I wasn't trying to make you feel like that. I see you at work all the time, and you look scared of me, and I'm sorry Tyler, but that is what happens when you treat a girl like that.<br /><br />Out of everybody I have dated or come close to dating, or even been out with, you are the only one I have issues with. I hope you treat Renee better than you treated me, at the time, I thought she was an awful, mean girl for treating my friend the way that she did, now, I think gee, maybe she had a reason to be upset, you and I never did anything physically, but emotionally, you were not 100% in that relationship, and I kinda feel bad for her.<br /><br />I hope one day, you can grow up, I'm not mad anymore, well, yes and no. When I think about it like I am right now, I get angry, but it's not like I think about you a lot, in fact, I never do, not even when I see you, so really, I won, because I know when you see me, you know what you did, you know I have nothing to be sorry for and you do.<br /><br />The only apology I owe is to Renee, because looking back, I can see why she would of hated me, because if I was her, I would of hated me.<br /><br />-AmandaAmanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/01826183401539789093noreply@blogger.com0