Just Thinking.

b boy.

2010-09-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Brent,
I feel like you were my first "grown up" relationship. You were in college, a couple years older than I, and we got along so well.
I met you at a party, I was instantly attracted to you, and the more we talked, the more I liked you. You were shy, but outgoing, you were witty, smart, and funny. Your good-looks and charm didn't hurt the situation either.
Nick told me to be careful of you, he told me you were picky when it came to girls, but I needed to see you more, so I made sure that I got to every party or group event that I thought you might be at, and it worked.
You started to like me, we exchanged phone numbers, and there wasn't a single day that I didn't get a phone call or a text from you.

We started seeing each other, all of my free-time was spent with you, I was so happy, I felt like I had finally found someone who could keep up with me.
We got along so well you and I. All of my friends were jealous of us, and well, I loved it. I was so lucky, but unfortunately, things couldn't stay perfect.

It started with an argument in your car, I don't remember how it started, but you were yelling and screaming so loud, people could hear you, even with the windows up. You pulled over and kicked me out of the car, I had to call a friend to come pick me up, but of course, like any true romantic, you were at my house the next day with flowers and you apologized, and I forgave you. The fights didn't stop though, you started controling me, I didn't see my friends, I didn't do anything, but you cared about me right? So nobody else should matter, we had each other, or so I thought.

I was so sad and lonely all the time. I didn't see anybody, but you.
We got in to another fight, and I thought, forget this, I'm going out. I went up to Boulder to see some friends, they wanted to go to a party so we did. I was walking around this apartment, looking for a bathroom, I was going to call you to say I missed you, but surprise, there you were in the bathroom, with a girl.

She was pretty, long red hair, pale skin and freckles, she just looked at me, wiped her lip with her arm and walked out.

You called me a bitch, and chased after her.
I sunk to the floor, and cried, everyone else continued to party, and the music was loud, so nobody could hear me. I hadn't seen this coming, I didn't think you would ever do that to me.

We just didn't talk again after that, not for a long time.
Months and months later, I saw you at a party again, you told me you had made a mistake, then you got down on one knee, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. You asked me to marry you, you said you loved me, you needed me, but I didn't need you anymore, and I had to say no.

I don't see you around much anymore, and I think thats a good thing.
Despite all the shit you put me through, I do hope you're alright, you aren't a bad person, you just messed up, but I had to move on with my life.

Brent, you were the first boy to play me, and hopefully the last. You made me smarter, more cautious, and in a way, empowered me, and for that, I thank you.

-Amanda

3

2010-09-13T14:42:00.000-07:00

Travis Mckee,
I met you in 7th grade, and awful year for me, I had not yet discovered make-up and boys were still scary for me.
You were a rebel. You had a pierced eye-brow, and you always wore these terrible black pants with chains, and an ICP t-shirt.
However, you were also one of the sweetest boys I had ever met. I was far from being the prettiest girl in the class we had together, but you talked to me, just the same. We hung out from time-to-time in the same groups, but it ended at that.

I didn't see you around during any of 8th grade, and I kinda forgot about you, actually, I only saw you a couple times through 9th, 10, and 11th grade. You changed so much, you started playing football, you became so incredibly popular, and I figured you didn't remember anymore anyways.

Senior year, I didn't miss a single football game, and we would all hang out in the school parking lot afterwards and wait for the team to come out of the locker room. I was with some of my friends, and you were walking towards us, Lindsay saw you, and she poked me and whispered, "Look who's coming over here." You came over and gave me a hug, and thanked me for going to the game, and said it was nice to see me. We smiled at each other, and it was weird, but a good weird, seeing you so grown up.
So, as football season continued, we talked after every game, I remember one night in particular, as I was leacing you said, "Call me later ok Babe?" I just smiled and said ok, but when Melissa and I got to my car, we both started screaming, I was so excited.

I did call you that night. We talked on the phone for an hour or so, and it was fantastic, we had such great chemistry.

The following week, after friday night's football game, I was waiting in the parking lot, like usual, but this time you ran up to me, and picked me up, and kissed me.
I was kissing Travis Mckee, captain of the football team, and I could feel jealous eyes staring at me. You playing football or being Captain really didn't impress me, I've never been one who has cared about being popular, but I knew girls who did care, and some people were angry with me, but I didn't care, you made me feel so important.

From that night on, I was your girl, I had your coat in my closet, and you had a picture of us in your car. I was so so happy, and so were you, we just fit together.

I think about the 4th month in, you started smoking weed, a lot.
You always had done it a little bit, but it started to get to a point, where you'd ditch me if it meant you could go get high somewhere. I hated you stoned. You lost your passion, you became boring, but I cared about you so much, I stayed. We talked about it, and you promised you would cut back, you didn't want to lose me over something so stupid.

You couldn't though, you couldn't stop, and I couldn't take it.
I ended things between us, and it hurt, because I didn't want to, and I really thought after you saw how upset I was, you would stop, but no, you said you were who you were and you were gonna do what you wanted to do.

Just like that, everything ended.

I missed you for the longest time, and I know you missed me, you would text me or call me every noe and again to say hi, or something, but we couldn't get past that issue.

I just couldn't watch you destroy everything, it was breaking my heart.

I don't really know what you are up to now, I think I heard you were doing construction and roofing, that you had dropped out of college, I hope that isn't true, I know you had a football scholarship.

I want to see you do well, and whatever you are up to now, I hope you're happy. You are such a good person, and I am sorry things ended with us the way they did. I hope you're safe, and ok, I mean it.

As Always,
Amanda

2010-09-12T21:32:00.001-07:00

Dear Tyler,

Fuck You.
I mean that, to this day.
You played me, you were dating Renee, I as your "friend" understood that, and although neither of us admitted it, we both knew we liked each other.

Before you and Renee started dating, I spent almost all of my summer nights with you, you'd pick me up, and we would drive around in your car and talk.
You called me "cutie" or "babe", you talked about Renne every-once-and-awhile, but I wasn't worried, since you had asked her out before and she had turned you down, besides things were going well between us and I was confident that we were on the path towards a relationship.

Then, one day, you sent me a text to tell me you were dating Renee, like any girl, I was devestated, and I cried, but things didn't change between us, we still got together, you still came and picked me up, and you would tell me how jealous she was of me, and I thought for sure, you would leave her. You two were always fighting, and I just knew you would see that I was right for you.

............You never did.

I quit texting you, or replying to you when you got ahold of me, you only talked to me when you were angry with her. I was plan b, when I wanted to be plan a, and it hurt, but more then that, it was annoying.

I let you go.

I hadn't talked to you in over a year when you sent me a text to see if I was with Kevin, I said I was, I asked why you were texting me after all this time, I assumed you were being nosey and I confronted you on it, you said "Just to catch up." I said "ok, sorry I guess, didn't mean to be rude." You replied, "You had a reason to wonder right?"

I still am not sure what that was supposed to mean.

Last time we talked, I let out a year and a half of anger, I know I made you mad, but honestly? I feel so much better. Even though now I know for certain we are on bad terms, thats fine. I don't feel awkward, I think you do though, and I wasn't trying to make you feel like that. I see you at work all the time, and you look scared of me, and I'm sorry Tyler, but that is what happens when you treat a girl like that.

Out of everybody I have dated or come close to dating, or even been out with, you are the only one I have issues with. I hope you treat Renee better than you treated me, at the time, I thought she was an awful, mean girl for treating my friend the way that she did, now, I think gee, maybe she had a reason to be upset, you and I never did anything physically, but emotionally, you were not 100% in that relationship, and I kinda feel bad for her.

I hope one day, you can grow up, I'm not mad anymore, well, yes and no. When I think about it like I am right now, I get angry, but it's not like I think about you a lot, in fact, I never do, not even when I see you, so really, I won, because I know when you see me, you know what you did, you know I have nothing to be sorry for and you do.

The only apology I owe is to Renee, because looking back, I can see why she would of hated me, because if I was her, I would of hated me.

-Amanda

letters?

2010-09-11T22:00:00.001-07:00

I feel like I need to catch up on this trend, so, I think I will start it with letters to boys I've dated, and move on from there. :)

Dear Mikkel,
I remember when we first met, I hated you, ok, no I didn't hate you, you just bothered me. You were cocky, and you had reason to be, everything you did, you were great at. You were smart, good looking, artistic, athletic, everything.
Lauren liked you at the time, she adored you, and I couldn't understand why, I thought you were the most annoying boy I had ever met, but she talked about you all the time.
We went to the movies, you, me, Cortney and Lauren. That was the first time we hung out together, we talked a little, but not a lot, you hugged me when I left.
Lauren spent the night at my house and she was talking to you on AIM. I'll never forget what you sent her,

"Hey Lo, your friend Amanda is pretty, she seems pretty cool too, we should hangout with her more, I can tell we are gonna be good friends she and I."

Lauren was angry, and hurt, as any girl would be, I didn't know what to say, so I never said anything.
I didn't see or talk to you for another couple months, and we both did our own thing, but Lauren got a new boy, and somehow, once again you and I ended up in a group together, at a movie.

This time, my opinion of you had changed, you were still full of yourself, but deep down, you were a good kid, I could tell. We talked a lot during the movie, in fact, we left and got ice cream. You drove me home, and we sat in your truck, and held hands. I finally went inside, knowing something had started that I had no intention of stopping.

We never were official, but we were always together, you weren't one for commitment, but I knew you weren't with anyone else.
A few months went by, summer became fall and I came home one day and you were sitting on my porch, and in song, you asked me to homecoming, me the nobody, and you Mikkel, the boy everybody loved. Of course I said yes.

You were 16, and I was 15, I know neither of us expected it to last, and it didn't.
The night at the dance, you told me you loved me. I couldn't say it back, I couldn't. You looked at me, and I had never seen you so hurt. We didn't get in a fight, but things died down between us, and they never really picked up romantically
again, even though we tried a couple more times to make it work out.

Now-a-days, you are one of my best friends. New York is too far, but I'm so glad to see you enjoying school and loving life. I miss you tons, but I'm so happy you are in my life. We have a great relationship, we just aren't supposed to be together, and I know you know that too. I love my Kevin, and you love being single haha, and thats fine. I want you to know how much I do appreciate you, and I want to thank you Mikkel, for being the first boy to tell me they loved me, even if you didn't mean it. I know I didn't say it back, but to me, even having someone saying that, was a huge stepping-stone in my life.

Continue being the amazing person you are, and I know you will be un-stoppable.

Your Friend,
Amanda

Confession.

2010-06-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to one of the best concerts of my life the other night....

Backstreet's Back, Alright!

Yes, I realize nobody knows who they are anymore, but the 9 year old in me was very excited, and when I was younger, my parents would of never let me go, so, after 10 years of waiting, I got to see my boys sing and dance on stage with some of my best friends.

One of the best nights of my life,
I even cried a little.

Anyways, ladies, look them up, they are on tour, and I promise you it's worth it.
Nick is still sexy, and single so I hear.

I don't see a huge come-back happening, but that's ok.
I don't care if the rest of the world thinks I'm ridiculous, I had fun, and I feel like I fell in love with boy-bands all over again.

:)

7 rules for life in hiding...

2010-06-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

1. Never trust a cop in a rain coat.

2. Beware of enthusiasm and of love; each is temporary and quick to sway.

3. When asked if you care about the world's problems, look deep into the eyes of he who asks, he will not ask you again.

4. Never give your real name

5. If you're ever told to look at yourself, never look.

6. Never say or do anything the person standing in front of you cannot understand.

7. Never create anything, people will misinterpret it. They will chain you and follow you for the rest of your life. It will never change.

Enjoy your evening everyone!

newnewnew.

2010-06-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

So, Kevin and I are living together now.
I'm so excited about this chapter of my life.
We are living in my momma's basement right now, we are broke, but, we are together, and things will get better. Plus, we are only 19, so it's not horrible.

My grandma will be moving in soon, in a couple months. She has been having lots of issues living on her own, and it's the best decision. I'll be taking care of her and I'll be in school, so finding a job isn't high on my priority list right now, but I would really like a daycare/nanny job.

I've changed directions with college too, I've decided I'd rather be a teacher than a writer. I'm starting over, going to enroll at American Public University this fall so I can be online, and home to take care of my grandma. I'll get my associates in Early Childhood Development/Education, and then transferring to Metro to get my bachelors, and do student teaching.

Kevin is starting at RMCAD in the fall, so proud of my honey. He'll be doing lots of amazing graphic stuff, and it'll be nice for him to learn more, and he'll be doing something he loves.

Other then that, nothing new really. I feel like I'm busy all the time, and the stress gets to me, but everyone goes through that.

I'll talk with you all soon, I hope all is going well!

eeek.

2010-04-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

Still NO job. It really, well, it really sucks.
I need $$$$.
Is anyone else having this problem?
Please tell me I'm not in this alone...

On a positive note, I have been working out lately, and I'm really enjoying it!
Well, during it I kinda feel awful, but after I feel great, and it's so worth it.
Any work out tips?

Thanks everyone. :)

job interviews and sore feet.

2010-03-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

My feet ache.
I had 2 job interviews today, so I wore some cute, nice looking black flats, and my feet are killing me.

Oh well, I guess if I get a job, it's worth it.
One interview was at Old Navy and the other was at a store called Buckle.
I'd rather work at Buckle, but the interview was so short, that I am pretty sure they aren't gonna hire me, and thats why they didn't really take a lot of time to talk to me. I have another interview with Old Navy tomorrow, I think I'll be doing some floor-work, not really super nervous about that, it should go ok.

It was like 80 degrees outside in Colorado today.
So so pretty!
I love spring. :D

Anyywayys.
Tell me about your day?

Many Apologies.

2010-03-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

I have been a terrible blogger.
I just sort of left without notice didn't I?
I have been crazy busy, with school, looking for a job, and taking care of my grandma, she just got out of the hospital, but I could of found a minute to at least say hey, and I haven't so I am very sorry dear friends.

I don't know how often I will be blogging from now on, but I will try to get better at it, I promise.

Life has been one big crazy mess lately, in a way, I don't mind, I like being productive, and feeling accomplished, but tonight, I was lazy. I finished my day with some tea and a good book, and a little facebook stalking. :p

I guess it's not really stalking though, since facebook displays EVERYTHING.
I'm not a creep, I promise.

I think that's it for tonight though. :)

An older, more knowledgeable you.

2010-01-27T20:42:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last hour or so looking at student loans with my mom and talking about life, it sort of inspired me to write this. I really could of used something like this when I was younger. Hope you are all having a good day/night. :)

Dear Amanda,

You're 15 now, 16 will come soon enough. Stop worrying about boys so much sweetie, trust me, most of them, aren't worth your time. A couple years from now, when you look back at this time in your life, you'll see what I mean. Be single for now, be 15, have fun. Boys will come and go, sometimes your heart will break, but not for long, and yeah, you will break a heart or two yourself, and that's growing up girl, its life, but please, do me a favor and don't worry about this right now, you're so young. When you graduate and go on with your life, nobody will care if you dated the popular boy.

So your "bff" hates you, she won't forever, friends fight, and not all friends stick around, but every friend that comes in to your life is a blessing so hold on to them while you can. A few of your friends will love you forever, as time goes on, it will become increasingly clear to you who these people are.

Don't worry so much about your parents, I know it's hard, but I promise you there is nothing you can do. People fall out of love with each other, and if they get divorced, stay strong, have faith in God, and cry if you need to. Everything happens for a reason, you're strong, you'll be ok.

Most importantly, love yourself. Be your own best friend, and trust yourself. This is probably the best advice I can give you. It's ok if you don't understand your feelings all the time. You are still growing, and becoming the person you're supposed to be. Realize that you will never be perfect, all you can do is try to be the best version of yourself. Everything happens for a reason, and life is hard sometimes, but it's so beautiful, and you have so much to be thankful for!

Love,
An older, more knowledgeable you.

Makes You Think.

2010-01-26T17:50:00.000-08:00

Inspiring Stuff.
It made me cry.

The City.

2010-01-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

Denver Colorado.
Sometimes I forget how absolutely wonderful it is, because I get to see it all the time, so I thought tonight I would share with you something that I love. Enjoy. :)

Living, Breathing, and Following Oprah?

2010-01-19T21:50:00.000-08:00

Ok so my goal to get in shape was delayed a bit, because I was sick last week. I did continue to watch what I was eating, but I couldn't motivate myself to run or anything. I did lose...3 pounds. Not a lot, but a small victory.

So I started following a new blog today, check this out.

I thought it was pretty interesting.
Let me know what you think? I am curious as to what you guys think.

stuff.

2010-01-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

So, I have decided that I need to get in shape.
Not really to lose weight, but really, just to be a healthier person.
I started with that today, worked out for 40min or so,
had a salad for lunch, and some grilled chicken and fruit for dinner.
Doing pretty good so far, and even though it's only been one day, I'm pretty excited. Hopefully within a couple weeks I will start seeing some results.

....Today has been mostly un-eventful.
I found out one of my guy friends has made the decision to serve his country and become a marine. I really am happy for him, but at the same time, I don't want him to go, I'm scared of what could happen to him in the future. :(

Let's see....what else......
I go back to school on the 20th, yay college!
Because of the conditions on my scholarship, I have to at least keep up a 3.5 grade average, so that is sorta scary, I really can't afford to lose it. I'm blessed in that way though, school always came pretty easy for me, except for math, that's my c subject. Numbers are stupid.

Oh! This is random, but kind of funny, I was talking to someone who lives in Idaho tonight, a distant cousin of mine actually, but anyways we talked about music, and he's a big 30h!3 fan, and had no idea they were from Colorado. It made me laugh, he thinks I am the coolest person alive now, just because I live in Denver. I thought everyone knew they were from here?

Well, what is new in your life?
Give me all the details. :)

promise?

2010-01-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

Something I wrote in like, maybe my freshman year of high-school for a story I had to write. It's sorta old, so it's not great, but I don't think it's terrible.
Have a good day. :)

Promise me, you will love me forever, regaurdless of my mistakes.

Love me even though I'm always changing my mind.

Love me, even though sometimes I cry for no reason and sometimes I say ugly, and terrible things.

Love me, even though sometimes I am selfish.

Love me, even when I lie.

Love me, even though I don't always think your jokes are funny.

Love me, even though I can't stop smoking.

Love me, even when it's hard to, because I promise to love you, always.

I promise to be your rock, your foundation. I promise to love you, even when you are being a pain in the ass. I promise to love you, even when you leave the toilet seat up, and when you forget to put the lid back on the toothpaste. I promise to love you when we fight, and I promise to forgive you. I promise to love you even if you forget it's Valentines Day, and I promise to love love love you, with everything that I am, because as cliche as it is, you complete me. Sometimes I think we are destroying each other, but I don't want anything else. There isn't anyone else in this world who would put up with me, and I know that, and you know nobody else could put up with your mess, so please, Promise me?

New Year!

2009-12-30T22:47:00.000-08:00

Sooo.
It is almost 2010.
Yikes! Anyone else feel like 2009 went by really fast?

Well, tomorrow should be pretty fantastic.

-Haircut.
-Coffee with friends I haven't seen in months.
-Party, with different friends.
-Then picking up my honey, and it's possible that I have something cute planned. :)

Any new year's resolutions?

OOHHHH.

P.S.- Before I forget, I give 2 thumbs up to The Princess and the Frog.
It's a super cute movie. Go see it. You will never be to old to enjoy a Disney Movie. :)

mussiiccc.

2009-12-22T12:07:00.000-08:00

I just had to share these with you.
:). Enjoy.

feliz navidad

2009-12-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I am happy to say I only have 2 more presents to buy to finish my christmas shopping.
I just have to get something for my brother's girlfriend, and something for Kevin's dad.

BUUT
Christmas traditions, lets talk about them.
What is yours?

My dad is a police officer, so when I was little and my parents were still married, we always did our big Christmas celebration on Christmas eve, because my dad usually had to work Christmas day.

Everyone does their own thing for the holidays,
whats yours?
:)

God Bless.

Twilight?

2009-12-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

Well tonight is very....quiet, and calm.
I'm blogging from my room, and it smells like peppermint, because of my new candle.
I'm being a bit lazy, but i'm lacking energy and motivation today.
I just finished watching Sing-Off on NBC. LOVED it.

Hmmm what else...

Oh! lets talk about Twilight..
What are your thoughts?
Personally, I don't care for it, I couldn't get in to the books,
and I didn't hate the movie, but I didn't fall in love with it either.
I did not jump on the Twilight train. I can't say that I don't understand why people love it so much, I am a Harry Potter fan, so I get it, but this vampire thing...It confuses me. What is the big deal?
Maybe I am just too devoted to my wizard books to fall in love with Bella and Edward....

What do you think about it?

lovelovelove

2009-12-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, well, a happy update.

The other night I was very upset, Kevin and I got in to a huge fight.
We both said some things that shouldn't have been said.
We broke up, and he left my house, and I really thought that was the end of things.

We started texting shortly after everything happened, and now everything is fine.
We are back together and still very much in love. :)

:(

2009-12-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

My heart is broken.

My feet are cold.

And tonight was possibly the worst night of my life.
How do things change so fast?
I feel like I missed it.

Things went from perfect to terrible in just seconds.
:(

2009-12-05T20:32:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm feeling sorta bummed.
I miss my honey.
:(

But, as much as I hate missing him I love having him to miss.

I've been in a weird mood lately, a bit stressed, I can't find a job and I need money.
UGH.

I hate money...kinda.

!

2009-11-27T19:08:00.001-08:00

Setting up Christmas decorations tomorrow. :)

On a sad note, I am really really really sad that John & Kate +8 is over.
Anyone else?

Sorry for my lack of blogging lately.
Please forgive me.

I want to put some crazy color in my hair,
i think blue maybe.
Just like one little section, but I can't decide.

Anyone have any awesome hair ideas?

ouchouchouch.

2009-11-19T19:31:00.001-08:00

I have a headache. A terrible one.
One of those that even my trusty advil can't seem to get rid of.
One that feels like someone is smacking me in the head with some sort of blunt object.
UGH.
Any ideas on how to get rid of this?
Help me bloggers.
Help me.

:(

I know I am complaining, and maybe I am annoying, but please forgive me.

1..2..3..breathe.

2009-11-16T20:45:00.000-08:00

I keep reminding myself to breathe.
I feel like life is moving really really fast lately.
I don't mean that in a negative or positive way, it's just how I feel...

Is anyone else feeling this way?
Or am I just odd?

ehhh.

2009-11-14T23:02:00.001-08:00

I have my car back. :)
Very very happy about that.
I watched National Treasure today.
More snow for us in Colorado.
I've started my Christmas shopping, and my honey is snowed in with me for the night.

Life is good. :)

How are things going for you?
Excited for the holiday season?

Poem?....

2009-11-10T21:47:00.000-08:00

I am too lazy to think of anything new to write tonight so I'm putting up something old.

A couple years back, a close friend of mine lost his fight against brain cancer, I wrote this then.

When I am gone, release me, let me go-

I have so many things to see and do.

You musn't tie yourself to me with tears, be thankful for our beautiful years.

I gave to you my love, you can only guess how much you gave to me in happiness. I thank you for the love you each have shown, but now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must, then let your grief be comforted by trust; it's only for a time that we must part so bless the memories within your heart

I won't be far away, for life goes on. So if you need me, call, and I will come. Though you can't see me or touch me, I'll be near. And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear all my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone, I'll greet you with a smile and say "welcome home"

Random?

2009-11-09T21:05:00.000-08:00

10 Goldfish Facts

The collective noun for goldfish is “troubling”.
The oldest ever recorded goldfish was 49 years old.
Goldfish have a memory that lasts up to 3 months.
Goldfish don’t have a stomach.
If a goldfish is left in the dark it will turn almost white.
Despite internet rumours, a pregnant goldfish is not called a twat.
“Jaws” is the most common name given to pet goldfish by their owners.
Goldfish can recognize different human voices.
Goldfish can recognize different human faces.
Goldfish can be trained in synchronized swimming.

And, on a side note, turning 19 was much better than turning 18. I had a lot more fun, and spent the day with people I love, and people who love me. Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!

update?

2009-11-04T12:36:00.001-08:00

So.
I am still car-less, and will be for at least another week.
I need something to do, something to take up my time, so I am teaching myself how to crochet.
Soo if you are in need of a scarf or a blanket, just let me know.
My birthday is 7th, pretty excited about that.
I'm gonna be 19, ha, ollldddddd.

Anyways, my mind has not come up with anything creative to say lately.
I'm sorry if I seem a bit boring.
I hope your lives are much more exciting than mine! :p

want

2009-11-02T15:58:00.000-08:00

I want...

some starbucks.
-someone to write some great thriller/mystery, followed by a movie.
-I want my car to be fixed.
-I i want to win lots of money, just so i can travel, and see the ocean, i've never seen it.
-I want to quit hearing things about 2012 and all that bullshit.
-I want to have an intellectual conversation with someone who disagrees with me about everything, those are the kinds of conversations that make you think.

Mhmm.
:)

tell me about your day, or what you want, tell me something. :)

......................

2009-10-31T01:14:00.000-07:00

Scared, something bad is gonna happen soon.
I don't know what, but I can feel it...

:/

pictures

2009-10-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

Of the snow we are continuing to get here in Colorado.
Another 6-11 inches by tomorrow night.
I'm loving it.

snow snow snow.

2009-10-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's snowing in Colorado right now.

I'm making some tea, and my dog is asleep on my feet,

and I can't help, but think, that this moment, is perfection. :)

When it rains, it pours.

2009-10-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

Sooooo.

I have ended/cut off my relationship with my dad.
I may end up regretting this later in life, but this is what I need right now.
All we do is fight, and I am sick sick sick of it.

a family friend is dying, and yesterday while Kevin and I were driving some lady hit me, and the muffler is falling off of my car, so I can't drive it, and my insurance company tells me that the lady hasn't even reported it to her company yet.

:(

kev-kev

2009-10-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

Kevin makes my heart ache.

When I'm not with him, I miss him. I need to hold his hand. Kiss his lips. Rub my thumb on the crease of his jeans. I need to see his smile. Smile back. And tell him every new reason I have come up with to love him.

I think God let me go through all the crappy stuff before him to help me appreciate him for everything he is. Appreciate his honesty, his humor, his happiness, his complete selflessness.

I don't care how cliche it sounds, but he completes me.

He's everything I ever wanted and never knew I needed.

I love him just for being him! I love his mind, his heart, his everything. I love his ambition. I love his outlooks. I love the weird little conclusions he comes to.

I've never felt this before.

I've always wondered what love was exactly.

And it's right here!

I am so amazingly blessed;

I know what love is now.

It's an intention, it's a feeling, and it's an action.

It's irreplacable.

sometimes i can't think of a good, or even a decent title

2009-10-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

There’s more important matters!

There’s life within death, and death within life.

The most unique abstractions can be found within the most unoriginal settings.

Nothing is pure, there are two sides to everything. There would be no light if it weren’t for the darkness. Peace doesn’t exist without war. Pain wouldn’t be realized if it weren’t for pleasure.

BUT love! love can be found in everything. love is the only truly relative thing becoming in this world.

Victor Hugo wrote, "If nobody loved the sun would go out."

I’ll never forget that.

Sometimes, most of the time, I lose myself in thought. I lose myself within emotion and made up realities. Nothing exists to me but the present. The future is like an abstract notion or dream. The past creates the fear that turns those dreams into nightmares. Nothing ever surprises me though. Nothing ever has. Everything I have ever done has always been a part of me.

Virginity would not exist if it weren’t the the absence it creates after it’s been corrupted.

Creation bewilders me. How can humans not believe we were created by a Divine being?! Think about it. Could YOU think up the human heart? Could YOU think up the human soul? Could YOU think up the fact that we need thumbs! I don’t even know how to use all of the gifts that have been bestowed upon me, let alone think them up.

I mean, even THOUGHT was created. Nothing happens out of pure chance. And those who believe so don’t want to live up to the nothingness they have become.

There’s more important matters!

Like, what happens when one realizes they regret as much as they remember.

Read that again.

How atrocious! How absolutely unbecoming it feels to REGRET everything that has been committed to memory. When even the happiest of memories leave a feeling of remorse and sadness. There have been moments where I felt like I could float up through the stars and towards the moon only to be burned by the sun. There have been moments where I could have sunken through the mud and beneath the earth only to be grabbed by a stranger.

I guess I have contradicted myself. HA. Not like this is been written to prove a point. Because, good can come of bad. But the victory is still strained by the past, and what it took to get there.

This might quite possibly be the BEST thing I have ever written! And what has inspired this?! My complete and utter appreciation of the unknown. My complete and utter frustration with the unknown. My complete and utter desolation with the unknown.

I’m not a writer, I’m not anything. I am not negative! I am not positive! I am here.

thats all. HERE.

and you know what I am excited for?

LIFE! because it’s truly amazing. i guess i’ve realized that in order to truly live it, i have to be somewhat unattached.

Because the craziest peice of SHIT things will happen, but being left in ruins is not option for me.

I always thought that by expecting anything I would get the complete opposite. But from now on I am expecting something great. And believe me, I have dreamed up so many different different scenarios. But whatever happens happens. And if I get the complete opposite of what i want....

it will just be cause for laughter. and then, action.

something old.

2009-10-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

Heaven, you kiss me
Then back to your bliss filled cloud you ascend
Leave me to dance alone in the gray shadows of a blue world
Leave me alone so I can readjust to our nightmares
For you are but a distracting dreams
Distractions from reality only reap apologies
Apologies for actions forsaken for a promise implied
Because you never claimed you loved me
It only showed up in your eyes

:) content.

2009-10-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

realized that I am living the life I've wanted since I can remember.

And what in inexplicable feeling that is!

A little scary- I'm not used to living so well.

(but...)

I have the most amazing friends ever. And I mean that with my entire heart! Each and every one of them has something I admire. Each and every one of them has qualities that I have never been able to find in other people. And it's not just about the fun I share with these people. It's about the way we've all grown together. Whether I've been friends with them since forever , or up until fairly recently . I've grown with them so much it's incredible to even think about- let alone realize. And I'll be honest; I've lost a lot of so called friends- but it's these people that have stuck around and will continue sticking with me 'til the end. In a totally straight way- I think they were made for me. God made us so we could befriend one another. And I'm so glad God chose me to enjoy these wonderful human beings.

And my boyfriend (!) It doesn't even sound right to just call him my boyfriend. He's become much, much more; so much it still makes my heart ache when I wake up and wish with my entire heart he'd just be lying next to me. So much that I still get butterflies when he calls me "baby". So much that sometimes all I can do is stare at him thinking about how hot damn cute he is- and how any other girl could only be so lucky. I love him so much that somehow my mouth seems to lose the words my heart is electrically sending up to it; I only wish I could explain to him the meaning he holds in me. Kevin made my balance complete. He made me complete. And I only have God to thank for that.

Sometimes I wonder if I am becoming to complacent; too content.

But then I realize all over agian that instead of worrying about not worrying I just need to relax and enjoy, with my entire being, the blessings that have been given to me.

This is the life I've been craving.

And it's even better than I thought.

bitter

2009-10-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

Let's not be bitter.

Let's not give our past the power to predict our future.

Let us not live in defeat. Let us not be conquered.

Let contentment manifest itself in our hearts. Let it be the spike in our pulse. Let the splendor within us BURST. Let it explode. Let it show itself in the world around us.

Don't be tired, don't be distraught. Don't think to yourself, "Oh, I knew this would happen." You were just scared it would. Don't be weary. Don't be upset. It's LIFE! In a few weeks it will all be different and you'll wonder why you let this keep you up that night.

We want to know everything. We want to know the outcomes. We want to know the consequences. We want to know what is and why it is.

Don't look down on yourself for being curious. Don't deem yourself unworthy of love. Don't overcome yourself. Don't let the splendor go out.

Expect the best! Be relieved in this.

If you cry, don't cry for yourself. You really havn't missed anything special.

And if you cry, cry for someone else. Listen...and it will hit you harder than your own problems.

Don't expect someone else to catch you! To save you! To repair your insides. Don't expect them to needle-and-thread thier way into your heart.

If they're right, your heart won't be hurt. And you'll be patient.

And if you scream. SCREAM. Don't whine. Don't weep. Scream and make sure that the airplanes can hear you.

Try not to be angry. Try not to take things personally.

If they ignore you, it isn't you. If they leave you, it's not you. If they decide not to waste thier time, it wasn't meant to be wasted on you.

Try not to let your heart fall into the pit of your stomache. Try not to let your rib cage weaken. Try not to base your breathing on theirs.

It's beatiful, but a tremendous disaster at the same time.

Believe the best, and you will be relieved.

Take pleasure in being numb, it's better than half of the emotions out there.

So, what are YOU going to do now?!

Explode!

Burst!

Vacate!

Detonate!

Be yourself at your best at all times.

Don't let anyone bring you down, no matter how above they seem.

We're all at the same level.

And girl, believe me. You have people on your side. More than you think. People that see past your exterior, and believe in your heart. People that will stand up for you when your knees give in. People that will stick up for you when things just aren't working.

....

I might have just written this to myself.

Or a mixture of people..

Truth, Purity, & Desire

2009-10-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

So, this really isn't old, it's more of me getting a head start for my writing course I start next semester. I have a ton to write, and even more for english. BOOOOO! Tell me if this is any good or if I just shouldn't bother turning it in. Thank you! :)

I desire you. That is the truth in simplicity, in the purest form it can ever know, truth that is. It must be that truth somewhere along the way discovered a different comprehension of purity; a version which humanity, at least a being like me, will never recognize. I'm sure purity has an entirely different complexion than that which we assume also. Nevertheless, purity and desire by no means co-exist.

I am terrified of you; a statement with such a horrid implication, but such a stunning justification. Around you I loose my articulation (never, fortunately, my nerve.) You bring back the long diminished existence of daydreaming. When the gain of imagination and the loss of verbalization combine, it only develops a result consisting of the state of being terrified. How frantically my thoughts races when we converse, my tongue filled with the desire to never cease dialogue. If only I could explain my yearning, my vision of an afternoon with you. One spent laying in the state of being entangled in your sheets, entangled in you. There I would confess to you anything; I would permit you to invade the deepest corners of my constantly locked mind. Hours filled with the sensation of your hands upon my skin, and my enthrallment with the passion your eyes fill with. This is my desire, this is the truth.

what i say and what i mean.

2009-10-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, maybe most of the time I don't say what I mean. Anyone else have this problem?

-When I say "I can't," what I really mean is I know I shouldn't...but keep pushing me.

-When I say "Promise?" what I really mean is I'm waiting to be betrayed.

-When I say, "I don't," what I really mean is I wish I didn't, but I do.

-When I say, "Too late," what I really mean is I'm willing to give you one more chance.

-When I say "You're dumb," what I really mean is I think you're amazing.

-When I say "Stop," what I really mean is I want you to keep trying.

-When I say, "I don't need your help," what I really mean is I can't do this without you.

-When I say, "It doesn't matter," what I mean is why can't you see this means the world to me?

-When I say, "I miss you," what I really mean is that my current life is a little difficult to handle.

-When I say "I'm tired," what I really mean is "Come with me."

-When I say, "I understand," what I really mean is "How could you do this to me?"

-When I say, "Oh well," what I really mean is "Try harder."

-When I say, "I love you..." I really mean it. With every inch of me; physically, mentally, and spiritually. Forever and not a day less, even if you stop loving me back. For every day that goes by and every year that passes, for the rest of my life.

missing?

2009-10-13T22:56:00.000-07:00

I always feel like something is missing in my life. I catch myself far too often thinking, "Why don't I talk to them anymore? We used to be really good friends..." or "Why haven't I done this in a long time? I used to love it..."
I don't feel like my life can (or will) ever be "fulfilled;" I can't be a thousand places at once with a thousand different people, and I can't do a million projects in one day. I can't commit to one thing without feeling obligated to commit to a ton of others, so I just....don't commit. People that I once loved I barely even think about. Activities I once enjoyed, I no longer partake in. Events I once religiously attended are pushed aside for my "new and improved" life. Things that I used to be proud to say described me and my morals and beliefs are so distant now that it's laughable to think that I once thought they defined who I was.

I don't even know why this matters to me, really. I have a pretty good life. I've got one of the biggest, caring families I know of who would do anything for me in a heartbeat. I've got amazing friends and have been very lucky and am blessed with tons who I call my "best friends," when most people can only claim one or two. I've got a loving, caring boyfriend who supports me and is always by my side. And in all these things combined, I've got the security that everyone is subconsciously yearning for.

So why am I still feeling this emptiness? Like I've left behind something or someone that I'm hoping will resurface?

Is it God?

I like to believe that He plays an active role in my life, but lately, other than, "Please God let me pass this test and I promise I will go to church every Sunday," He hasn't been there as often as He should.

I don't even know if that's it, I'm just brainstorming....I just don't like feeling alone when I obviously am not. And I wish I could find out the cause so I could put a stop to it...

I'm so grateful for everything and everyone that I do have, and I don't want it to sound like I'm greedy and wanting more. That's not it, all I want is for my mind to be at ease so I can let go of this feeling of anxiety that makes me think I'm forgetting something very important

sooo, yeah.

2009-10-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

Something I wrote forever and a year ago, not really about me, but someone else, and the stuff around their room. I never really gave it a title, help me think of one.

An eclectic mess of who I've been

with black tops

tick tock silver clock your black hands keep track of the time I seem to be losing

Snow globes of dreams

Polaroid pictures of a town across the sea

Make-up smears

and magazines who claim to change

burnt down candles randomly placed between

frayed paint brushes whos cheap ends have painted ages

and books

full of words and stories, stories far away

tattered photographs of who you once were and who I never knew

smiling faces through sepia tones.

I know it's weird, but hopefully, not super terrible. :)

Have a lovely evening.

?

2009-10-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

Why is our country obsessed with sex?
Who is having it, who's not.

Tell me, who cares?

I hate going to stores and seeing it on every magazine.

ANNYYYWWWAAYYS

Good day though.
Honey had dinner with me and the fam.
My grandma made thanksgiving food.

Then, thanks to skype, I got to talk to a very good friend who I miss very much.

Now I am trying to find a corset for Halloween.

What are your halloween plans my dears?

Fly out to Colorado, and we will go to a Haunted House together, it would be oh so much fun!

my poor sicky

2009-10-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

My honey is sick.
He has/had a fever, and was shivering and it just made me very very sad.

If you are following Kevin too, go leave him a little get well soon note.

ONE good thing about today though.
I finished painting my room and got my bed back in it and all that jazz.

pictures soon?
maaybbbeee!

Paint covered toes

2009-09-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

Kevin and I are painting my room, I had forgotten what a messy task that can be.
Today wasn't super thrilling really..

I painted
Bought gas for my car (hate that)
Went to target

And now I am making a frozen pizza for dinner.
My friends are frustrating me, well only two of them actually.
They were together for about a year, but now she broke his heart.
It's very sad, but they keep throwing me in the middle and I really feel like someone should punch them both in the face.

Sometimes people are dumb.
Blehhh, how...dumb. ha.

Well, im gonna go eat my pizza now,
goodnight guys & dolls. :)

up up up!

2009-09-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

Things are going well for me, life is beautiful.

-Painting my room very soon, well, re-doing the whole thing really.
-Got some money for school.
-My dear, sweet, loving boyfriend is going to buy me a bunny. :)
-My best friend is coming home from college this weekend, and we are getting breakfast.
-Possibly trip to the mountains this weekend.

:D

I really don't think things could get any better.

I am blessed.

$$$$$

2009-09-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Why are books for college so expensive?

I haven't even started school yet, i don't start till january, and already it's taking all my money and time!!!

BUT I am super excited about it. :)

I just wish it didnt cost so much moneyyyyy.

things i love

2009-09-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

-driving at night
-singing in my car
-fall
-starbucks
-listening to kevin breathe when he's sleeping
-my new computer
-friends
-dogs
-books and reading
-chai tea
-harry potter
-new shoes
-lady gaga
-kermit
-my car
-american eagle
-laughter
-my grandma's cooking
-the colors blue and green
-inside jokes with my best friend
-hockey
-swimming
-disney movies
-my family
-my tattoos
-drives to the mountains
-trips to the zoo

annnd much much more really.
i'm going on an adventure with my friend melissa today.
So so so excited!
We are going to the mountains to see some elk.

Have a fantastic sunday everyone. :)

sorry!!

2009-09-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my lack-of-blogging lately.
School is ruling my life, and by the time I have free time to blog, i'm tired, and my brain has run out of thoughts and words for the day.

Please forgive me.
Things will clear up soon and I'll have more time.

Anyways,
What have you all been up to lately?

Paparazzi

2009-09-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

I think Lady Gaga is amazing.
Kudos to her for being proud of exactly who she is.

Sure, maybe she is a little bit weird, but she is also very brave.
Really, the world needs more of that.
Just saying. Individuality is a good thing.

here fishy fishy

2009-09-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

I was almost killed by a sting-ray today.

At the aquarium, you can feed them, I thought, hey that sounds like fun.

NO.

The one that came up to me was huge.
It wanted to eat my whole hand, I screamed, Kevin laughed at me.
So did everyone else, and I dropped my fish.
It was HUGE though, and one did kill Steve Irwin right?
I figure, I had a good reason to be scared.

be the change

2009-09-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

I am in need of a change.

Anyone else feeling like that?

I love my life, I love the people in it,
and I don't want anything drastic to change, but something.
I think maybe that is why I used to color my hair so much. Ha.

Maybe I just need to go buy some new shoes or something.
Or find a new hobby, learn something new,
create my own changes.

Yeah, that's what i'll do. :)

!!!!

2009-09-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

I am stressed.

I feel a break-down coming on.

How do you stop it?
When you know you're running right at at a wall, but that is the only way to get where you are going...

Climb over it I suppose.

Ughhh!

food for thought

2009-09-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

"People need to be made more aware of the need to work at learning how to live because life is so quick and sometimes it goes away too quickly."

-Andy Warhol

fall fall fall

2009-09-07T15:14:00.000-07:00

Fall is coming.

Is anyone else as excited about this as I am?

Next weekend, here in Arvada where I live, there will be a Harvest Festival.
They have a parade in the day and at night games, and rides and things like that.

I couldn't be more excited, not just for the Harvest Festival, but for fall in general. I like the weather more, and fall smells, ok, before you think I'm crazy, I mean like pumpkin pie, and cinnamon, and things like that. I love waking up in the mornings to my house smelling like that.
So, if fall is coming, Halloween isn't far. Which means, i'm gonna carve a pumpkin, like every-year.

So, hooray for fall.
:)

you and me.

2009-09-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

Lets get to know each other better.

I'll tell you more about me.

I have 5 piercings.

I love politics, and generally, i'm a bit liberal.

I believe in God with all my heart, but I haven't gone to church in...forever.

I cannot stand Miley Cyrus.

I hate driving somewhere I'm not used to.

I count the stairs to my basement everytime I walk down them.

Now, tell me more about you.

What do you do? What do you order at starbucks?

Lets be best friends.

sleepy.

2009-09-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

I am tired and my brain doesn't feel like thinking.

Nothing important tonight.

billy joel said it best.

2009-09-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I was sorta stressed out all evening, but now, none of that is important.
A couple years ago my cousin Tim married his wife Erin, who I love.
She has a younger sister, Hayley, who I made friends with, and we've kept in touch, well, we used to until Hayley was diagnosed with Lugarics. It became to hard to stay in touch with her being states away, and she couldn't talk anymore, I wish I had made more of an effort though.

Here is a description of what it is.

A brave and beautiful girl lost her fight today.

It makes all my problems seem stupid.

.

2009-09-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

The people I am closest with have really helped make me the person I am, so I am going to tell you a little bit about them.

Lindsay- Has been my best friend since kindergarten. I am so so so lucky to have her, and still be close after all this time. She is away at school now, and we are still as close. She knows absolutely everything about me.

Chad-I've known him since I was in kindergarten too. He is the nicest person I have ever met. He has the biggest heart, and girls break it. He has always been there for me and Lindsay. Always.

Mlisa- She is the most loyal and adorable girl you will ever meet.

Shae- She and I are an odd set of friends. We are different in every-way. We are still getting to know each other kinda, but our friendship is beautiful.

Annd of course, Kevin, mi amor. We started out as strangers that devolped in to an odd friendship, and now, I am in love with him. 110%. :)

I talk a lot about me though, tell me how your day was, what did you do?
Did you go on a big adventure? Did you buy a car? What happened?

Till tomorrow. :)

Manos Al Aire

2009-09-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

I am get increasingly frustrated with my 15 year old brother.
He is selfish, rude, annoying, and really just terrible.
He expects everyone to do everything for him, and it's driving me crazy!!!

Do you have this problem?

It makes me wonder if I was like that when I was 15, or if this is just a boy thing...
I don't know.
Maybe I was just as annoying and selfish, and maybe he is just going through something.

On a different note,
my new favorite song is Manos Al Aire by Nelly Furtado.
Also, I sorta want to dye my hair, which is bad because I told everyone and myself that I was done with that.
And I want to get my ears pierced again, and i really really want to watch The Notebook sometime soon.

Well, a very very good friend is calling me to tell me about his college experience so far, so I think i'm gonna take it.

I think I will write about my friends tomorrow, the close ones anyways.

Till then. :)

Chicken Teriyaki.

2009-08-31T16:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, I said I would talk about my tattoos today.

I'll start with the one on the back of my shoulder.
When I was about seven, my best friend was a boy named Trey, we later made friends with a kid named Todd. At 16 Todd was diagnosed with brain cancer, he got really sick, and decided he would rather take his own life then let the cancer kill him.
Orange was his favorite color so Trey and I took orange lily's to his funeral, and that is the same flower we take every time we see him, so that is why I have it on my shoulder.

The sea-horse on my foot is the sister I never really got to have, I was two when my mom had her, but she didn't even live for a day. Her nursery was done in under-water stuff and I had bought her a little sea-horse toy for her bed, which I still have.

Anyways, those are my reasons.
I have to go make din-din for the family now.

Chicken Teriyaki.
Yuuum.

ink.

2009-08-30T22:31:00.001-07:00

I learned something today.

I am actually half-way decent at doing nails, in particular, french manicures.

I also drove by a sandwich place called Witch-Wich...
It made me laugh.

My honey is coming over tonight. :)
I'm excited.

And I think in the morning I may make us pan-cakes.
We will see.

I need to find an awesome new band to listen to.
My ears are craving something new.
Suggestions anyone?
I listen to pretty much everything, as long as I can tap my feet to it, or sing-a-long.

My cat is laying on my feet, she is asleep, and snoring.
I almost just want to sit here until she wakes up, she is just so cute, I don't want to move her.

I'm really just babbling tonight.
Want to know something random about me?
Maybe you don't, but I'll tell you anyways.

I have 2 tattoos.
A orange lilly on the back of my left shoulder, and a black sea-horse on my foot.
Both mean a lot to me. I think I will explain why tomorrow though, it's time to see my honey. :)

2009-08-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

Well, my dad got married tonight, it was really weird for me, and it showed, I know it did. My cousins were worried about me, and so was Kevin I think.

My honey went with me though, and we got to dance and it was cute, i'm spending the rest of my night with him.

I don't have more to say tonight though, I just wanna go cuddle with my honey, and find some food.

SOOOO.

Goodnight, sleep-tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

:)

Anywhere you go, let me go too.

2009-08-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

I rented the Phantom Of The Opera from blockbuster yesterday. I've since watched it twice. It's romantic, and scary, and sexy, and well, sad. I put up a video of my favorite scene so you can all enjoy it as well.

It's one of my favorite movies, but, each time I watch it, I always change my mind on which guy I want to win to girl over.

I won't talk about that anymore though, because if you don't know the story, you probably have no idea what I am talking about.

My dad is getting married tomorrow. I'm excited, not for the wedding, but it'll be the first time I get to dance with my honey.

Wanna know something? I still get butterflies in my tummy when I think about him. :)
He is my best-friend, my boyfriend, my secret-keeper, my laughter, my heart-beat, and my lover.
I always knew our friendship had the potential to be something more than it was, but I didn't know I would fall for him this hard, but I'm not complaining. I am in love, 110%.

My day was really very good. Spent some quality time with my grandma, and my momma. Had a nice, normal, intelligent conversation with my little brother.
Bought some jeans.
Saw an old friend while I was driving, he followed me, and we went to Dairy Queen, talked about the old days of school at Little Elementary, and about people we used to know, and how he had been since his mother passed. We talked about his girlfriend, and how she could be pregnant, and how he was living in his grandparents basement now, because he can't stand his dad. He just laughed and said something like, "Yeah, I just never saw any of this coming, we are all grown up now aren't we Amanda?" I said yeah Gary, I guess so. He hugged me goodbye and said we should both make more of an effort to keep in touch, I nodded in agreement, and then we went our different ways.

I don't know if that will happen, we may never talk again. We may never see each other again, but it reminded me of how blessed I am really. He had an amazing attitude going though, even though things have been really shitty for him lately, he was still optimistic, and full of faith.

I heard only good songs on the radio, and even found 5 dollars I didn't know I had in my pocket.

On a different note,
I am very, very, seriously considering taking a bar-tending course soon. We will see, I think it could be sort of exciting though. It's not something I see myself doing forever, but for a little while anyways.

To end my night, I think I'll read, do some laundry, and then spend time with my honey of course. :)

So, that is it for tonight everybody, we can chit-chat some more tomorrow.

big trees.

2009-08-27T21:56:00.001-07:00

So, I know I said I'd post a picture of the necklace I made, but I am posting this from a friends computer, and my necklace is at home, so another time maybe.

Annyywwayyysss.

I fell in love with a house today.

It was beautiful.

A big front yard, red brick, and a big front porch.

It's an old house, but it was very charming, it had lots of big green trees that hid it, and I really think it's the trees that made me love the house, it just looked like a happy place to live.

Other than spending time with my amor, I think that was the best part of my day.

The rest I spent hanging out, walking my dogs, and job hunting.

I did have lunch with my grandparents though.

My dad's parents.

They really are a very cute couple,

they still hold hands and dance at wedding's.

And they still laugh at/ with each other, I think thats most important. :)

I don't really have much to say, so my babbling ends here tonight.

I'll write more tomorrow, I pinky promise.

mhmm.

2009-08-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

I love chai tea.
It's calming, and fantastic, I don't even mind when it burns my tongue, it's worth it.

And it makes me wish fall was here because it just seems like a fall drink, like something you should be drinking while you are wearing a sweater, sitting on your porch with a book, watching the leaves fall off the branches of your favorite tree. Thats what I think anyways.

Ted Kennedy died early this morning I think, or late last night.
My grandma cried. It sorta makes me wonder if when i'm older, if there will be someone of a huge importance, in the publics eye, will pass-away, and if it'll make me cry...
I guess I just wonder if I could ever feel such a connection like that to someone I don't really know.
Hmmm. I think about weird things.

I made a necklace today, it's pretty neat actually.
It kinda reminds me of Pocahontas, maybe i'll put a picture of it up tomorrow.
Someone remind me though, or I'll forget.

Well, I don't have much to say for now. I'm gonna search the web for some cat-eye frames.
New glasses soon hopefully.

Then i'll be on my way to my honey's house.
Have a lovely day or night.
:)

Ready.

2009-08-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

My house is quiet, except for the ceiling fan which makes sort of a ticking sound.
Today was exceptionally good. My Honey, and I took a little boy who lives on my street to the Butterfly Pavilion. It's the place to be if you are a two year old boy. It doesn't just have butterflies, it has lots of gross bugs, and even a under-the-sea section.

I sort of have a unique situation with this boy, I was 2 when I moved in to the house I live in now, At the time, Travis was 12, his birthday is 3 days after mine so we are almost exactly 10 years apart. He lived/lives in the house next to me. I adored him and he even built a go-kart thing and put a baby seat on it for me. Years later, Travis moved back to the house, with his own wife and baby, so Aiden, his son comes over to see me all the time now, just like I used to go see Travis. Aiden and I share a birthday. He really is the cutest thing. See?!?! :D

I'm listening to the newest Kelly Clarkson cd right now. Amazing. Definitely worth the 11 dollars I spent on it at Target. In particular I'm listening to the song called Ready. I think I relate to it most right now.

I think I want the newest Beyonce album as well, but we will see, a good bunch of songs I've heard off of it remind me of my honey, which is definitely a good thing.

My dad is getting married this weekend, I know I should be happy for him, because he does deserve to be happy, but it's really really weird for me, and it all happened so fast, one day divorce, a month later living with his girlfriend, a year later, he's already getting married? After 20 years of marriage to my mom? I know It shouldn't bother me, but something about it just feels...icky to me, and I can't get past it.

Plans for later, reading, walking my dogs, filling out a job app., hanging out with a friend....hopefully getting some Chipolte, (nothing sounds better than that right now) and spending time with Kev-Kev.

I realize that I am sorta jumping all over the place with what I'm writing, you just have to try and understand that it's how my brain works.

I think my mind has run out of words to say though, so that is it for today. I'm going to go spend some quality time with my dogs, and the lake, and the outside air.

Start.

2009-08-24T14:39:00.000-07:00

Maybe to start, I should tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Amanda Marie Miller. It's a boring name, but I really do like it. I have brown eyes, and hair. I have a bother for a brother, his name is Andrew. My mother is a teacher and my dad is a cop. He moved out the day before my 17th birthday. My relationship with him is slowly improving, but it's not great. My mom's name is Cecilia, which I think is elegant and lovely. My dad's name is Greg. I live with my mom and my brother, my room is in the basement. We have a small zoo, two dogs, Patsy and Smitty. Two cats, Gracie and Coco. A bald rat named Dwight, a Siamese fighting fish (that's a beta) two hamsters, Truffle and Cotton and a turtle, who we normally just call Turtle, even though his name is James.

I'm moving on for now because I don't really feel like talking about myself.

Right now I'm sitting.

My phone is next to me, and it's ringing, well actually it's buzzing, but I'm going to answer it.
It's a little bit cloudy outside, but still warm. I like it most when days are "gloomy." I don't really see them as gloomy though, just calm.

I have about a billion different thoughts running through my head right now, but I don't feel like sharing them really. I'm feeling sort of quiet and shy today, and I don't know why, because normally, I'm not quiet or shy.

I'm looking forward to hanging out with my honey later. He really completes and understands me. I told him I was going to make one of these blog. pages because he has one, I don't think he believed me though, we'll see how long it takes him to figure it out. ;)

Christopher Robbin is coming over to see me in a bit. He's my neighbor, has been for a good part of me life. He is a year younger than I am, we fight a lot really, but it's funny because we fight like brother and sister, and in a way, I really do love him, and he loves me, in a way. I promised him I would help him with his english homework.

I have a feeling this blog will mostly be about my days and what I am doing and whats going on, and my thoughts on things. I'm not a super creative person, I haven't written a story or anything like that in years, but we'll see. I'm thinking I'm gonna give in and go find my honey and start following his blog...hmmm.

Well, that is it for now. I hope my babbling wasn't super terrible.