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Hello Sweet Friends.

I will post here from time to time, but I am moving mostly to Tumblr now.

Hope to see you all soon.

XoXo

http://mandapanda1107.tumblr.com/

You're my best friend, and I love you.

Here we are, laying in your bed.

Not laying like sleeping, or laying like fucking.
Just laying, talking. Laughing.


You tell me I'm the girl you have had in your life the longest, other than your Mom. We laugh more. You move my hair out of my face. I wonder if this will be the night, this will be the time that changes everything. You'll realize we are perfect, you'll kiss me, hard, but in my heart, I know none of that will happen.

I'm trying to keep an eye on you since you had more than enough to drink tonight at the bar.
My hand is laying next to yours, you pick it up and put your fingers through mine.
I draw lazy circles on your chest with my fingers before laying my head on your shoulder.
I wonder if you know how your eyes sparkle, or how pink your cheeks get when you have a huge smile on your face. Not the half smile most of the world gets, but the genuine smile that I get to see.

I wonder if she knows just how much I care about you.

I know you will be falling asleep soon, your words are farther and farther apart. I make sure you have a clear path to your bathroom, just in case you get sick again after I leave. I take your shoes off and find the extra blanket in your closet to cover you with. I leave a glass of water and Tylenol on the table next to your bed.

You notice I'm getting ready to leave. "Stay" you say. I say something like "Why would I stay with your drunk ass?" You say "Good, you better leave, you couldn't resist me anyways" with a smug grin. Then, you thank me, in the soft voice you use when you call me late at night. I turn off your light, lock the door to your apartment and leave.

To the closed door I'll say, "I love you, you're my best friend."

I drive back to my Mom's, crawl to my bed in the basement, and miss your hands on mine.
I miss the smell of your bed.

I miss you.

Hey there, Bright Eyes.

I went to Starbucks today, and while I was waiting for my soy no water chai, I overheard a group of women talking about this boy with the purple and blue mohawk sitting at a different table. I am certain he knows they are talking about him. They keep pointing at him and whispering to each other. They didn't know anything about him, maybe he was having the worst day of his life, maybe holiday's aren't a happy time for him, maybe, it's the best day he has had in a long time, maybe he's getting ready to tell someone he loves them for the very first time in his life. Maybe, just maybe, that kid is the nicest person they will never get to know. As I leave, I can hear Atmosphere playing loudly through the headphones that he is using to block out the world. I take a minute to compliment his choice in music, and he looks up at me. He has a cute smile and bright eyes, and in the end, he gets the last laugh. He will get through this life just fine without having to care or hear what they think. Be kind to one another, it's not that difficult

friendz

I hate that I can't shake these feelings for you.
I hate that I think every single thing you do is fucking perfection.

A snapchat of a ginger snap with a smiley you drew on it?
I should think that is so lame. Anyone else would.

I wish I could talk myself out of liking you.
I try to. ALL THE TIME.

I hate that you have the best smile.
I hate knowing, deep down in my heart, that even if you ever liked me back, I am almost 100% sure it would never work.

I hate that you dominate my dreams.
I hate that in some ways, I let you treat my badly, because I never act like I'm upset when you "forget" to text me.

I hate that even when I start talking to other guys, I always come back to you.
I hate that I had feelings for you, even during my last serious relationship.

I hate being your friend.
Don't get me wrong, I love that when something sad happens, you feel like you can talk to me. I love the way you hug me when I'm sad, with your arms over my shoulders, and pull my face in to your chest. It makes me feel protected, and small, but in a good way, like you are so big, you can keep everything from hurting me.

I hate being your friend. I hate when you tell me about girls, your hookups, how you like her because she doesn't expect you to pay. How physical your time together is. I act happy, tell you that's great, maybe I will even throw in some story about a date I went on, to make it all seem good. I go home and cry. Almost the second I get in my car, I miss you.

I hate knowing, that I don't mean as much to you.

I don't think I am in love with you, but do I love you? Yes.
I will love you always, and always from afar, because I will never tell you how I feel, and well, they say, when you really love someone, their happiness is more important to you than your own.

It's true. I know I couldn't give you all the joy you deserve in this beautiful life. I will never be a great snow-boarder. I stress out easily, and you are so smooth, so easy going, no worries.

I hope I meet someone, or that someday, I find the strength to let go of this friendship, but it seems that every time I gather the strength to let it die. You text me "What are you doing today? Let's hangout, hope you can!"

Then just like that, my heart is back up in my throat.

I just want to let you go. I have to, but it's so sad.

Yuck.

So Thursday I turned 23.

I invited a few friends out to go drinking, it was fun, but the certain someone I was hoping would show up, didn't.
In my pretty drunken state, it was worse, because I almost started crying.

Now I just don't know what to do about this particular boy, I've liked other boys, dated other boys, but something about him.... I always go back to liking him.

UGH.

It doesn't help that he's been snapchatting me cute selfies, and sometimes the captions have little smiley faces...

One second I hate him, the next I want to have his babies.

I just wish I knew what he thought.
I can even handle the just friends thing if I didn't feel like he was flirty with me, but maybe he isn't and I'm making it all up in my head.

That's most likely it to,
I'm insane.

Please tell me someone can relate to this in someway.
I hate being this girl. I'm not this crazy. I don't draw his name with hearts, or text him all day, in fact, hardly ever, but when he sends me something or texts me, it just throws me for such a loop.

It's breaking my heart.

Nostalgia.

Looking through old blogs tonight, back when Kevin and I were a thing, back when I wrote deep emo poems.

It's funny really, and cliché, but nothing feels super different, but looking back at my own words, my life is nothing like it was just a few years ago.

I'm not complaining, the loss of my relationship, was the right thing, and though it stung like salt on a deep cut at the time, it's been such a good experience for me, and if I'm being honest with myself now, I was done with that relationship before it ended. I didn't want it to end because I didn't want to be single.

My friends have changed, some are the same, some I haven't seen in years.

If I could go back, to one year, I'd be 17 again.
Going to a party, having my first beer.

Laying in the grass of my Mom's backyard holding hands with a boy, looking up at the night, watching stars fall.

Driving around with my best friend, singing at the top of our lungs in the car.

17 was my best year.
When I felt most alive, most free.

Life is good now, no great, I just have more responsibilities now, which is a part of the growing up thing. It's true though, we really don't appreciate those years like we should.

I think sometimes, you just cry because, you now realize how great those times were.

I have almost all of my 20's left though.
Moving out will happen soon, I'll get a better job, maybe find a decent man.

Life is beautiful, and it's ok to miss the past, but I know I have such a great future to look forward to.

Dream Land. Help me?

I rarely dream.
Maybe two a month, and usually it's an event, no particular person that I remember.
When my ex Kevin and I were together, actually even in all the years I knew him before we got together, I only had 1 dream about him, and it was after we broke up.

But in the last 2 months, I've been dreaming about this same guy, the same one I have the flirtationship with. I can't get him out of my head, and it's making me feel like I am an obsessive freak. Really. I am so not normally that girl that acts like that.

The first I had, it was like I ran in to him years from now at like a big conference or meeting of some kind, and he just gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek.
The second, we were hooking up on my couch and he made sure to tell me he liked me and thought I was hot and all, but this was just a hook up.

This week, I dreamt of him twice again, In one we were in a car with a group of people he was driving and I was sitting behind him, and was rubbing his arm, and keeping one hand on the steering wheel he reached over and played with my fingers, and the last one, we were at dinner with a group and wound up holding hands and making out, but not like down n dirty making out, like sweet, like it meant something.


Is anyone good with dream stuff?
Can people communicate through dreams?

The weirdest part is right before the very first one, I saw this dumb thing on Pintrest that said "When you dream of someone, it means they miss you and want to see you" Something like that.
Anyways, that night, after seeing that, I had the dream, then a day or two later he texted me to hangout.

He is really in to dreams, and even journals his. I wonder if I am totally insane, or if people can somehow communicate through dreams, or they mean nothing, or if I'm just obsessing.

I would really love for some help/interpretation on this guys.

Thank you!