Tuesday, September 28, 2010

b boy.

Dear Brent,
I feel like you were my first "grown up" relationship. You were in college, a couple years older than I, and we got along so well.
I met you at a party, I was instantly attracted to you, and the more we talked, the more I liked you. You were shy, but outgoing, you were witty, smart, and funny. Your good-looks and charm didn't hurt the situation either.
Nick told me to be careful of you, he told me you were picky when it came to girls, but I needed to see you more, so I made sure that I got to every party or group event that I thought you might be at, and it worked.
You started to like me, we exchanged phone numbers, and there wasn't a single day that I didn't get a phone call or a text from you.

We started seeing each other, all of my free-time was spent with you, I was so happy, I felt like I had finally found someone who could keep up with me.
We got along so well you and I. All of my friends were jealous of us, and well, I loved it. I was so lucky, but unfortunately, things couldn't stay perfect.

It started with an argument in your car, I don't remember how it started, but you were yelling and screaming so loud, people could hear you, even with the windows up. You pulled over and kicked me out of the car, I had to call a friend to come pick me up, but of course, like any true romantic, you were at my house the next day with flowers and you apologized, and I forgave you. The fights didn't stop though, you started controling me, I didn't see my friends, I didn't do anything, but you cared about me right? So nobody else should matter, we had each other, or so I thought.

I was so sad and lonely all the time. I didn't see anybody, but you.
We got in to another fight, and I thought, forget this, I'm going out. I went up to Boulder to see some friends, they wanted to go to a party so we did. I was walking around this apartment, looking for a bathroom, I was going to call you to say I missed you, but surprise, there you were in the bathroom, with a girl.

She was pretty, long red hair, pale skin and freckles, she just looked at me, wiped her lip with her arm and walked out.

You called me a bitch, and chased after her.
I sunk to the floor, and cried, everyone else continued to party, and the music was loud, so nobody could hear me. I hadn't seen this coming, I didn't think you would ever do that to me.

We just didn't talk again after that, not for a long time.
Months and months later, I saw you at a party again, you told me you had made a mistake, then you got down on one knee, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. You asked me to marry you, you said you loved me, you needed me, but I didn't need you anymore, and I had to say no.

I don't see you around much anymore, and I think thats a good thing.
Despite all the shit you put me through, I do hope you're alright, you aren't a bad person, you just messed up, but I had to move on with my life.

Brent, you were the first boy to play me, and hopefully the last. You made me smarter, more cautious, and in a way, empowered me, and for that, I thank you.


Monday, September 13, 2010


Travis Mckee,
I met you in 7th grade, and awful year for me, I had not yet discovered make-up and boys were still scary for me.
You were a rebel. You had a pierced eye-brow, and you always wore these terrible black pants with chains, and an ICP t-shirt.
However, you were also one of the sweetest boys I had ever met. I was far from being the prettiest girl in the class we had together, but you talked to me, just the same. We hung out from time-to-time in the same groups, but it ended at that.

I didn't see you around during any of 8th grade, and I kinda forgot about you, actually, I only saw you a couple times through 9th, 10, and 11th grade. You changed so much, you started playing football, you became so incredibly popular, and I figured you didn't remember anymore anyways.

Senior year, I didn't miss a single football game, and we would all hang out in the school parking lot afterwards and wait for the team to come out of the locker room. I was with some of my friends, and you were walking towards us, Lindsay saw you, and she poked me and whispered, "Look who's coming over here." You came over and gave me a hug, and thanked me for going to the game, and said it was nice to see me. We smiled at each other, and it was weird, but a good weird, seeing you so grown up.
So, as football season continued, we talked after every game, I remember one night in particular, as I was leacing you said, "Call me later ok Babe?" I just smiled and said ok, but when Melissa and I got to my car, we both started screaming, I was so excited.

I did call you that night. We talked on the phone for an hour or so, and it was fantastic, we had such great chemistry.

The following week, after friday night's football game, I was waiting in the parking lot, like usual, but this time you ran up to me, and picked me up, and kissed me.
I was kissing Travis Mckee, captain of the football team, and I could feel jealous eyes staring at me. You playing football or being Captain really didn't impress me, I've never been one who has cared about being popular, but I knew girls who did care, and some people were angry with me, but I didn't care, you made me feel so important.

From that night on, I was your girl, I had your coat in my closet, and you had a picture of us in your car. I was so so happy, and so were you, we just fit together.

I think about the 4th month in, you started smoking weed, a lot.
You always had done it a little bit, but it started to get to a point, where you'd ditch me if it meant you could go get high somewhere. I hated you stoned. You lost your passion, you became boring, but I cared about you so much, I stayed. We talked about it, and you promised you would cut back, you didn't want to lose me over something so stupid.

You couldn't though, you couldn't stop, and I couldn't take it.
I ended things between us, and it hurt, because I didn't want to, and I really thought after you saw how upset I was, you would stop, but no, you said you were who you were and you were gonna do what you wanted to do.

Just like that, everything ended.

I missed you for the longest time, and I know you missed me, you would text me or call me every noe and again to say hi, or something, but we couldn't get past that issue.

I just couldn't watch you destroy everything, it was breaking my heart.

I don't really know what you are up to now, I think I heard you were doing construction and roofing, that you had dropped out of college, I hope that isn't true, I know you had a football scholarship.

I want to see you do well, and whatever you are up to now, I hope you're happy. You are such a good person, and I am sorry things ended with us the way they did. I hope you're safe, and ok, I mean it.

As Always,

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Dear Tyler,

Fuck You.
I mean that, to this day.
You played me, you were dating Renee, I as your "friend" understood that, and although neither of us admitted it, we both knew we liked each other.

Before you and Renee started dating, I spent almost all of my summer nights with you, you'd pick me up, and we would drive around in your car and talk.
You called me "cutie" or "babe", you talked about Renne every-once-and-awhile, but I wasn't worried, since you had asked her out before and she had turned you down, besides things were going well between us and I was confident that we were on the path towards a relationship.

Then, one day, you sent me a text to tell me you were dating Renee, like any girl, I was devestated, and I cried, but things didn't change between us, we still got together, you still came and picked me up, and you would tell me how jealous she was of me, and I thought for sure, you would leave her. You two were always fighting, and I just knew you would see that I was right for you.

............You never did.

I quit texting you, or replying to you when you got ahold of me, you only talked to me when you were angry with her. I was plan b, when I wanted to be plan a, and it hurt, but more then that, it was annoying.

I let you go.

I hadn't talked to you in over a year when you sent me a text to see if I was with Kevin, I said I was, I asked why you were texting me after all this time, I assumed you were being nosey and I confronted you on it, you said "Just to catch up." I said "ok, sorry I guess, didn't mean to be rude." You replied, "You had a reason to wonder right?"

I still am not sure what that was supposed to mean.

Last time we talked, I let out a year and a half of anger, I know I made you mad, but honestly? I feel so much better. Even though now I know for certain we are on bad terms, thats fine. I don't feel awkward, I think you do though, and I wasn't trying to make you feel like that. I see you at work all the time, and you look scared of me, and I'm sorry Tyler, but that is what happens when you treat a girl like that.

Out of everybody I have dated or come close to dating, or even been out with, you are the only one I have issues with. I hope you treat Renee better than you treated me, at the time, I thought she was an awful, mean girl for treating my friend the way that she did, now, I think gee, maybe she had a reason to be upset, you and I never did anything physically, but emotionally, you were not 100% in that relationship, and I kinda feel bad for her.

I hope one day, you can grow up, I'm not mad anymore, well, yes and no. When I think about it like I am right now, I get angry, but it's not like I think about you a lot, in fact, I never do, not even when I see you, so really, I won, because I know when you see me, you know what you did, you know I have nothing to be sorry for and you do.

The only apology I owe is to Renee, because looking back, I can see why she would of hated me, because if I was her, I would of hated me.


Saturday, September 11, 2010


I feel like I need to catch up on this trend, so, I think I will start it with letters to boys I've dated, and move on from there. :)

Dear Mikkel,
I remember when we first met, I hated you, ok, no I didn't hate you, you just bothered me. You were cocky, and you had reason to be, everything you did, you were great at. You were smart, good looking, artistic, athletic, everything.
Lauren liked you at the time, she adored you, and I couldn't understand why, I thought you were the most annoying boy I had ever met, but she talked about you all the time.
We went to the movies, you, me, Cortney and Lauren. That was the first time we hung out together, we talked a little, but not a lot, you hugged me when I left.
Lauren spent the night at my house and she was talking to you on AIM. I'll never forget what you sent her,

"Hey Lo, your friend Amanda is pretty, she seems pretty cool too, we should hangout with her more, I can tell we are gonna be good friends she and I."

Lauren was angry, and hurt, as any girl would be, I didn't know what to say, so I never said anything.
I didn't see or talk to you for another couple months, and we both did our own thing, but Lauren got a new boy, and somehow, once again you and I ended up in a group together, at a movie.

This time, my opinion of you had changed, you were still full of yourself, but deep down, you were a good kid, I could tell. We talked a lot during the movie, in fact, we left and got ice cream. You drove me home, and we sat in your truck, and held hands. I finally went inside, knowing something had started that I had no intention of stopping.

We never were official, but we were always together, you weren't one for commitment, but I knew you weren't with anyone else.
A few months went by, summer became fall and I came home one day and you were sitting on my porch, and in song, you asked me to homecoming, me the nobody, and you Mikkel, the boy everybody loved. Of course I said yes.

You were 16, and I was 15, I know neither of us expected it to last, and it didn't.
The night at the dance, you told me you loved me. I couldn't say it back, I couldn't. You looked at me, and I had never seen you so hurt. We didn't get in a fight, but things died down between us, and they never really picked up romantically
again, even though we tried a couple more times to make it work out.

Now-a-days, you are one of my best friends. New York is too far, but I'm so glad to see you enjoying school and loving life. I miss you tons, but I'm so happy you are in my life. We have a great relationship, we just aren't supposed to be together, and I know you know that too. I love my Kevin, and you love being single haha, and thats fine. I want you to know how much I do appreciate you, and I want to thank you Mikkel, for being the first boy to tell me they loved me, even if you didn't mean it. I know I didn't say it back, but to me, even having someone saying that, was a huge stepping-stone in my life.

Continue being the amazing person you are, and I know you will be un-stoppable.

Your Friend,