Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
I have ended/cut off my relationship with my dad.
I may end up regretting this later in life, but this is what I need right now.
All we do is fight, and I am sick sick sick of it.
a family friend is dying, and yesterday while Kevin and I were driving some lady hit me, and the muffler is falling off of my car, so I can't drive it, and my insurance company tells me that the lady hasn't even reported it to her company yet.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Kevin makes my heart ache.
When I'm not with him, I miss him. I need to hold his hand. Kiss his lips. Rub my thumb on the crease of his jeans. I need to see his smile. Smile back. And tell him every new reason I have come up with to love him.
I think God let me go through all the crappy stuff before him to help me appreciate him for everything he is. Appreciate his honesty, his humor, his happiness, his complete selflessness.
I don't care how cliche it sounds, but he completes me.
He's everything I ever wanted and never knew I needed.
I love him just for being him! I love his mind, his heart, his everything. I love his ambition. I love his outlooks. I love the weird little conclusions he comes to.
I've never felt this before.
I've always wondered what love was exactly.
And it's right here!
I am so amazingly blessed;
I know what love is now.
It's an intention, it's a feeling, and it's an action.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
There’s more important matters!
There’s life within death, and death within life.
The most unique abstractions can be found within the most unoriginal settings.
Nothing is pure, there are two sides to everything. There would be no light if it weren’t for the darkness. Peace doesn’t exist without war. Pain wouldn’t be realized if it weren’t for pleasure.
BUT love! love can be found in everything. love is the only truly relative thing becoming in this world.
Victor Hugo wrote, "If nobody loved the sun would go out."
I’ll never forget that.
Sometimes, most of the time, I lose myself in thought. I lose myself within emotion and made up realities. Nothing exists to me but the present. The future is like an abstract notion or dream. The past creates the fear that turns those dreams into nightmares. Nothing ever surprises me though. Nothing ever has. Everything I have ever done has always been a part of me.
Virginity would not exist if it weren’t the the absence it creates after it’s been corrupted.
Creation bewilders me. How can humans not believe we were created by a Divine being?! Think about it. Could YOU think up the human heart? Could YOU think up the human soul? Could YOU think up the fact that we need thumbs! I don’t even know how to use all of the gifts that have been bestowed upon me, let alone think them up.
I mean, even THOUGHT was created. Nothing happens out of pure chance. And those who believe so don’t want to live up to the nothingness they have become.
There’s more important matters!
Like, what happens when one realizes they regret as much as they remember.
Read that again.
How atrocious! How absolutely unbecoming it feels to REGRET everything that has been committed to memory. When even the happiest of memories leave a feeling of remorse and sadness. There have been moments where I felt like I could float up through the stars and towards the moon only to be burned by the sun. There have been moments where I could have sunken through the mud and beneath the earth only to be grabbed by a stranger.
I guess I have contradicted myself. HA. Not like this is been written to prove a point. Because, good can come of bad. But the victory is still strained by the past, and what it took to get there.
This might quite possibly be the BEST thing I have ever written! And what has inspired this?! My complete and utter appreciation of the unknown. My complete and utter frustration with the unknown. My complete and utter desolation with the unknown.
I’m not a writer, I’m not anything. I am not negative! I am not positive! I am here.
thats all. HERE.
and you know what I am excited for?
LIFE! because it’s truly amazing. i guess i’ve realized that in order to truly live it, i have to be somewhat unattached.
Because the craziest peice of SHIT things will happen, but being left in ruins is not option for me.
I always thought that by expecting anything I would get the complete opposite. But from now on I am expecting something great. And believe me, I have dreamed up so many different different scenarios. But whatever happens happens. And if I get the complete opposite of what i want....
it will just be cause for laughter. and then, action.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Heaven, you kiss me
Then back to your bliss filled cloud you ascend
Leave me to dance alone in the gray shadows of a blue world
Leave me alone so I can readjust to our nightmares
For you are but a distracting dreams
Distractions from reality only reap apologies
Apologies for actions forsaken for a promise implied
Because you never claimed you loved me
It only showed up in your eyes
Monday, October 19, 2009
realized that I am living the life I've wanted since I can remember.
And what in inexplicable feeling that is!
A little scary- I'm not used to living so well.
I have the most amazing friends ever. And I mean that with my entire heart! Each and every one of them has something I admire. Each and every one of them has qualities that I have never been able to find in other people. And it's not just about the fun I share with these people. It's about the way we've all grown together. Whether I've been friends with them since forever , or up until fairly recently . I've grown with them so much it's incredible to even think about- let alone realize. And I'll be honest; I've lost a lot of so called friends- but it's these people that have stuck around and will continue sticking with me 'til the end. In a totally straight way- I think they were made for me. God made us so we could befriend one another. And I'm so glad God chose me to enjoy these wonderful human beings.
And my boyfriend (!) It doesn't even sound right to just call him my boyfriend. He's become much, much more; so much it still makes my heart ache when I wake up and wish with my entire heart he'd just be lying next to me. So much that I still get butterflies when he calls me "baby". So much that sometimes all I can do is stare at him thinking about how hot damn cute he is- and how any other girl could only be so lucky. I love him so much that somehow my mouth seems to lose the words my heart is electrically sending up to it; I only wish I could explain to him the meaning he holds in me. Kevin made my balance complete. He made me complete. And I only have God to thank for that.
Sometimes I wonder if I am becoming to complacent; too content.
But then I realize all over agian that instead of worrying about not worrying I just need to relax and enjoy, with my entire being, the blessings that have been given to me.
This is the life I've been craving.
And it's even better than I thought.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Let's not be bitter.
Let's not give our past the power to predict our future.
Let us not live in defeat. Let us not be conquered.
Let contentment manifest itself in our hearts. Let it be the spike in our pulse. Let the splendor within us BURST. Let it explode. Let it show itself in the world around us.
Don't be tired, don't be distraught. Don't think to yourself, "Oh, I knew this would happen." You were just scared it would. Don't be weary. Don't be upset. It's LIFE! In a few weeks it will all be different and you'll wonder why you let this keep you up that night.
We want to know everything. We want to know the outcomes. We want to know the consequences. We want to know what is and why it is.
Don't look down on yourself for being curious. Don't deem yourself unworthy of love. Don't overcome yourself. Don't let the splendor go out.
Expect the best! Be relieved in this.
If you cry, don't cry for yourself. You really havn't missed anything special.
And if you cry, cry for someone else. Listen...and it will hit you harder than your own problems.
Don't expect someone else to catch you! To save you! To repair your insides. Don't expect them to needle-and-thread thier way into your heart.
If they're right, your heart won't be hurt. And you'll be patient.
And if you scream. SCREAM. Don't whine. Don't weep. Scream and make sure that the airplanes can hear you.
Try not to be angry. Try not to take things personally.
If they ignore you, it isn't you. If they leave you, it's not you. If they decide not to waste thier time, it wasn't meant to be wasted on you.
Try not to let your heart fall into the pit of your stomache. Try not to let your rib cage weaken. Try not to base your breathing on theirs.
It's beatiful, but a tremendous disaster at the same time.
Believe the best, and you will be relieved.
Take pleasure in being numb, it's better than half of the emotions out there.
So, what are YOU going to do now?!
Be yourself at your best at all times.
Don't let anyone bring you down, no matter how above they seem.
We're all at the same level.
And girl, believe me. You have people on your side. More than you think. People that see past your exterior, and believe in your heart. People that will stand up for you when your knees give in. People that will stick up for you when things just aren't working.
I might have just written this to myself.
Or a mixture of people..
Thursday, October 15, 2009
So, this really isn't old, it's more of me getting a head start for my writing course I start next semester. I have a ton to write, and even more for english. BOOOOO! Tell me if this is any good or if I just shouldn't bother turning it in. Thank you! :)
I desire you. That is the truth in simplicity, in the purest form it can ever know, truth that is. It must be that truth somewhere along the way discovered a different comprehension of purity; a version which humanity, at least a being like me, will never recognize. I'm sure purity has an entirely different complexion than that which we assume also. Nevertheless, purity and desire by no means co-exist.
I am terrified of you; a statement with such a horrid implication, but such a stunning justification. Around you I loose my articulation (never, fortunately, my nerve.) You bring back the long diminished existence of daydreaming. When the gain of imagination and the loss of verbalization combine, it only develops a result consisting of the state of being terrified. How frantically my thoughts races when we converse, my tongue filled with the desire to never cease dialogue. If only I could explain my yearning, my vision of an afternoon with you. One spent laying in the state of being entangled in your sheets, entangled in you. There I would confess to you anything; I would permit you to invade the deepest corners of my constantly locked mind. Hours filled with the sensation of your hands upon my skin, and my enthrallment with the passion your eyes fill with. This is my desire, this is the truth.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
-When I say "I can't," what I really mean is I know I shouldn't...but keep pushing me.
-When I say "Promise?" what I really mean is I'm waiting to be betrayed.
-When I say, "I don't," what I really mean is I wish I didn't, but I do.
-When I say, "Too late," what I really mean is I'm willing to give you one more chance.
-When I say "You're dumb," what I really mean is I think you're amazing.
-When I say "Stop," what I really mean is I want you to keep trying.
-When I say, "I don't need your help," what I really mean is I can't do this without you.
-When I say, "It doesn't matter," what I mean is why can't you see this means the world to me?
-When I say, "I miss you," what I really mean is that my current life is a little difficult to handle.
-When I say "I'm tired," what I really mean is "Come with me."
-When I say, "I understand," what I really mean is "How could you do this to me?"
-When I say, "Oh well," what I really mean is "Try harder."
-When I say, "I love you..." I really mean it. With every inch of me; physically, mentally, and spiritually. Forever and not a day less, even if you stop loving me back. For every day that goes by and every year that passes, for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I don't feel like my life can (or will) ever be "fulfilled;" I can't be a thousand places at once with a thousand different people, and I can't do a million projects in one day. I can't commit to one thing without feeling obligated to commit to a ton of others, so I just....don't commit. People that I once loved I barely even think about. Activities I once enjoyed, I no longer partake in. Events I once religiously attended are pushed aside for my "new and improved" life. Things that I used to be proud to say described me and my morals and beliefs are so distant now that it's laughable to think that I once thought they defined who I was.
I don't even know why this matters to me, really. I have a pretty good life. I've got one of the biggest, caring families I know of who would do anything for me in a heartbeat. I've got amazing friends and have been very lucky and am blessed with tons who I call my "best friends," when most people can only claim one or two. I've got a loving, caring boyfriend who supports me and is always by my side. And in all these things combined, I've got the security that everyone is subconsciously yearning for.
So why am I still feeling this emptiness? Like I've left behind something or someone that I'm hoping will resurface?
Is it God?
I like to believe that He plays an active role in my life, but lately, other than, "Please God let me pass this test and I promise I will go to church every Sunday," He hasn't been there as often as He should.
I don't even know if that's it, I'm just brainstorming....I just don't like feeling alone when I obviously am not. And I wish I could find out the cause so I could put a stop to it...
I'm so grateful for everything and everyone that I do have, and I don't want it to sound like I'm greedy and wanting more. That's not it, all I want is for my mind to be at ease so I can let go of this feeling of anxiety that makes me think I'm forgetting something very important
Monday, October 12, 2009
Something I wrote forever and a year ago, not really about me, but someone else, and the stuff around their room. I never really gave it a title, help me think of one.
An eclectic mess of who I've been
with black tops
tick tock silver clock your black hands keep track of the time I seem to be losing
Snow globes of dreams
Polaroid pictures of a town across the sea
and magazines who claim to change
burnt down candles randomly placed between
frayed paint brushes whos cheap ends have painted ages
full of words and stories, stories far away
tattered photographs of who you once were and who I never knew
smiling faces through sepia tones.
I know it's weird, but hopefully, not super terrible. :)
Have a lovely evening.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Who is having it, who's not.
Tell me, who cares?
I hate going to stores and seeing it on every magazine.
Good day though.
Honey had dinner with me and the fam.
My grandma made thanksgiving food.
Then, thanks to skype, I got to talk to a very good friend who I miss very much.
Now I am trying to find a corset for Halloween.
What are your halloween plans my dears?
Fly out to Colorado, and we will go to a Haunted House together, it would be oh so much fun!
Friday, October 2, 2009
He has/had a fever, and was shivering and it just made me very very sad.
If you are following Kevin too, go leave him a little get well soon note.
ONE good thing about today though.
I finished painting my room and got my bed back in it and all that jazz.