Tuesday, September 28, 2010

b boy.

Dear Brent,
I feel like you were my first "grown up" relationship. You were in college, a couple years older than I, and we got along so well.
I met you at a party, I was instantly attracted to you, and the more we talked, the more I liked you. You were shy, but outgoing, you were witty, smart, and funny. Your good-looks and charm didn't hurt the situation either.
Nick told me to be careful of you, he told me you were picky when it came to girls, but I needed to see you more, so I made sure that I got to every party or group event that I thought you might be at, and it worked.
You started to like me, we exchanged phone numbers, and there wasn't a single day that I didn't get a phone call or a text from you.

We started seeing each other, all of my free-time was spent with you, I was so happy, I felt like I had finally found someone who could keep up with me.
We got along so well you and I. All of my friends were jealous of us, and well, I loved it. I was so lucky, but unfortunately, things couldn't stay perfect.

It started with an argument in your car, I don't remember how it started, but you were yelling and screaming so loud, people could hear you, even with the windows up. You pulled over and kicked me out of the car, I had to call a friend to come pick me up, but of course, like any true romantic, you were at my house the next day with flowers and you apologized, and I forgave you. The fights didn't stop though, you started controling me, I didn't see my friends, I didn't do anything, but you cared about me right? So nobody else should matter, we had each other, or so I thought.

I was so sad and lonely all the time. I didn't see anybody, but you.
We got in to another fight, and I thought, forget this, I'm going out. I went up to Boulder to see some friends, they wanted to go to a party so we did. I was walking around this apartment, looking for a bathroom, I was going to call you to say I missed you, but surprise, there you were in the bathroom, with a girl.

She was pretty, long red hair, pale skin and freckles, she just looked at me, wiped her lip with her arm and walked out.

You called me a bitch, and chased after her.
I sunk to the floor, and cried, everyone else continued to party, and the music was loud, so nobody could hear me. I hadn't seen this coming, I didn't think you would ever do that to me.

We just didn't talk again after that, not for a long time.
Months and months later, I saw you at a party again, you told me you had made a mistake, then you got down on one knee, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. You asked me to marry you, you said you loved me, you needed me, but I didn't need you anymore, and I had to say no.

I don't see you around much anymore, and I think thats a good thing.
Despite all the shit you put me through, I do hope you're alright, you aren't a bad person, you just messed up, but I had to move on with my life.

Brent, you were the first boy to play me, and hopefully the last. You made me smarter, more cautious, and in a way, empowered me, and for that, I thank you.


Monday, September 13, 2010


Travis Mckee,
I met you in 7th grade, and awful year for me, I had not yet discovered make-up and boys were still scary for me.
You were a rebel. You had a pierced eye-brow, and you always wore these terrible black pants with chains, and an ICP t-shirt.
However, you were also one of the sweetest boys I had ever met. I was far from being the prettiest girl in the class we had together, but you talked to me, just the same. We hung out from time-to-time in the same groups, but it ended at that.

I didn't see you around during any of 8th grade, and I kinda forgot about you, actually, I only saw you a couple times through 9th, 10, and 11th grade. You changed so much, you started playing football, you became so incredibly popular, and I figured you didn't remember anymore anyways.

Senior year, I didn't miss a single football game, and we would all hang out in the school parking lot afterwards and wait for the team to come out of the locker room. I was with some of my friends, and you were walking towards us, Lindsay saw you, and she poked me and whispered, "Look who's coming over here." You came over and gave me a hug, and thanked me for going to the game, and said it was nice to see me. We smiled at each other, and it was weird, but a good weird, seeing you so grown up.
So, as football season continued, we talked after every game, I remember one night in particular, as I was leacing you said, "Call me later ok Babe?" I just smiled and said ok, but when Melissa and I got to my car, we both started screaming, I was so excited.

I did call you that night. We talked on the phone for an hour or so, and it was fantastic, we had such great chemistry.

The following week, after friday night's football game, I was waiting in the parking lot, like usual, but this time you ran up to me, and picked me up, and kissed me.
I was kissing Travis Mckee, captain of the football team, and I could feel jealous eyes staring at me. You playing football or being Captain really didn't impress me, I've never been one who has cared about being popular, but I knew girls who did care, and some people were angry with me, but I didn't care, you made me feel so important.

From that night on, I was your girl, I had your coat in my closet, and you had a picture of us in your car. I was so so happy, and so were you, we just fit together.

I think about the 4th month in, you started smoking weed, a lot.
You always had done it a little bit, but it started to get to a point, where you'd ditch me if it meant you could go get high somewhere. I hated you stoned. You lost your passion, you became boring, but I cared about you so much, I stayed. We talked about it, and you promised you would cut back, you didn't want to lose me over something so stupid.

You couldn't though, you couldn't stop, and I couldn't take it.
I ended things between us, and it hurt, because I didn't want to, and I really thought after you saw how upset I was, you would stop, but no, you said you were who you were and you were gonna do what you wanted to do.

Just like that, everything ended.

I missed you for the longest time, and I know you missed me, you would text me or call me every noe and again to say hi, or something, but we couldn't get past that issue.

I just couldn't watch you destroy everything, it was breaking my heart.

I don't really know what you are up to now, I think I heard you were doing construction and roofing, that you had dropped out of college, I hope that isn't true, I know you had a football scholarship.

I want to see you do well, and whatever you are up to now, I hope you're happy. You are such a good person, and I am sorry things ended with us the way they did. I hope you're safe, and ok, I mean it.

As Always,

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Dear Tyler,

Fuck You.
I mean that, to this day.
You played me, you were dating Renee, I as your "friend" understood that, and although neither of us admitted it, we both knew we liked each other.

Before you and Renee started dating, I spent almost all of my summer nights with you, you'd pick me up, and we would drive around in your car and talk.
You called me "cutie" or "babe", you talked about Renne every-once-and-awhile, but I wasn't worried, since you had asked her out before and she had turned you down, besides things were going well between us and I was confident that we were on the path towards a relationship.

Then, one day, you sent me a text to tell me you were dating Renee, like any girl, I was devestated, and I cried, but things didn't change between us, we still got together, you still came and picked me up, and you would tell me how jealous she was of me, and I thought for sure, you would leave her. You two were always fighting, and I just knew you would see that I was right for you.

............You never did.

I quit texting you, or replying to you when you got ahold of me, you only talked to me when you were angry with her. I was plan b, when I wanted to be plan a, and it hurt, but more then that, it was annoying.

I let you go.

I hadn't talked to you in over a year when you sent me a text to see if I was with Kevin, I said I was, I asked why you were texting me after all this time, I assumed you were being nosey and I confronted you on it, you said "Just to catch up." I said "ok, sorry I guess, didn't mean to be rude." You replied, "You had a reason to wonder right?"

I still am not sure what that was supposed to mean.

Last time we talked, I let out a year and a half of anger, I know I made you mad, but honestly? I feel so much better. Even though now I know for certain we are on bad terms, thats fine. I don't feel awkward, I think you do though, and I wasn't trying to make you feel like that. I see you at work all the time, and you look scared of me, and I'm sorry Tyler, but that is what happens when you treat a girl like that.

Out of everybody I have dated or come close to dating, or even been out with, you are the only one I have issues with. I hope you treat Renee better than you treated me, at the time, I thought she was an awful, mean girl for treating my friend the way that she did, now, I think gee, maybe she had a reason to be upset, you and I never did anything physically, but emotionally, you were not 100% in that relationship, and I kinda feel bad for her.

I hope one day, you can grow up, I'm not mad anymore, well, yes and no. When I think about it like I am right now, I get angry, but it's not like I think about you a lot, in fact, I never do, not even when I see you, so really, I won, because I know when you see me, you know what you did, you know I have nothing to be sorry for and you do.

The only apology I owe is to Renee, because looking back, I can see why she would of hated me, because if I was her, I would of hated me.


Saturday, September 11, 2010


I feel like I need to catch up on this trend, so, I think I will start it with letters to boys I've dated, and move on from there. :)

Dear Mikkel,
I remember when we first met, I hated you, ok, no I didn't hate you, you just bothered me. You were cocky, and you had reason to be, everything you did, you were great at. You were smart, good looking, artistic, athletic, everything.
Lauren liked you at the time, she adored you, and I couldn't understand why, I thought you were the most annoying boy I had ever met, but she talked about you all the time.
We went to the movies, you, me, Cortney and Lauren. That was the first time we hung out together, we talked a little, but not a lot, you hugged me when I left.
Lauren spent the night at my house and she was talking to you on AIM. I'll never forget what you sent her,

"Hey Lo, your friend Amanda is pretty, she seems pretty cool too, we should hangout with her more, I can tell we are gonna be good friends she and I."

Lauren was angry, and hurt, as any girl would be, I didn't know what to say, so I never said anything.
I didn't see or talk to you for another couple months, and we both did our own thing, but Lauren got a new boy, and somehow, once again you and I ended up in a group together, at a movie.

This time, my opinion of you had changed, you were still full of yourself, but deep down, you were a good kid, I could tell. We talked a lot during the movie, in fact, we left and got ice cream. You drove me home, and we sat in your truck, and held hands. I finally went inside, knowing something had started that I had no intention of stopping.

We never were official, but we were always together, you weren't one for commitment, but I knew you weren't with anyone else.
A few months went by, summer became fall and I came home one day and you were sitting on my porch, and in song, you asked me to homecoming, me the nobody, and you Mikkel, the boy everybody loved. Of course I said yes.

You were 16, and I was 15, I know neither of us expected it to last, and it didn't.
The night at the dance, you told me you loved me. I couldn't say it back, I couldn't. You looked at me, and I had never seen you so hurt. We didn't get in a fight, but things died down between us, and they never really picked up romantically
again, even though we tried a couple more times to make it work out.

Now-a-days, you are one of my best friends. New York is too far, but I'm so glad to see you enjoying school and loving life. I miss you tons, but I'm so happy you are in my life. We have a great relationship, we just aren't supposed to be together, and I know you know that too. I love my Kevin, and you love being single haha, and thats fine. I want you to know how much I do appreciate you, and I want to thank you Mikkel, for being the first boy to tell me they loved me, even if you didn't mean it. I know I didn't say it back, but to me, even having someone saying that, was a huge stepping-stone in my life.

Continue being the amazing person you are, and I know you will be un-stoppable.

Your Friend,

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Well, I went to one of the best concerts of my life the other night....

Backstreet's Back, Alright!

Yes, I realize nobody knows who they are anymore, but the 9 year old in me was very excited, and when I was younger, my parents would of never let me go, so, after 10 years of waiting, I got to see my boys sing and dance on stage with some of my best friends.

One of the best nights of my life,
I even cried a little.

Anyways, ladies, look them up, they are on tour, and I promise you it's worth it.
Nick is still sexy, and single so I hear.

I don't see a huge come-back happening, but that's ok.
I don't care if the rest of the world thinks I'm ridiculous, I had fun, and I feel like I fell in love with boy-bands all over again.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

7 rules for life in hiding...

1. Never trust a cop in a rain coat.

2. Beware of enthusiasm and of love; each is temporary and quick to sway.

3. When asked if you care about the world's problems, look deep into the eyes of he who asks, he will not ask you again.

4. Never give your real name

5. If you're ever told to look at yourself, never look.

6. Never say or do anything the person standing in front of you cannot understand.

7. Never create anything, people will misinterpret it. They will chain you and follow you for the rest of your life. It will never change.

Enjoy your evening everyone!

Friday, June 11, 2010


So, Kevin and I are living together now.
I'm so excited about this chapter of my life.
We are living in my momma's basement right now, we are broke, but, we are together, and things will get better. Plus, we are only 19, so it's not horrible.

My grandma will be moving in soon, in a couple months. She has been having lots of issues living on her own, and it's the best decision. I'll be taking care of her and I'll be in school, so finding a job isn't high on my priority list right now, but I would really like a daycare/nanny job.

I've changed directions with college too, I've decided I'd rather be a teacher than a writer. I'm starting over, going to enroll at American Public University this fall so I can be online, and home to take care of my grandma. I'll get my associates in Early Childhood Development/Education, and then transferring to Metro to get my bachelors, and do student teaching.

Kevin is starting at RMCAD in the fall, so proud of my honey. He'll be doing lots of amazing graphic stuff, and it'll be nice for him to learn more, and he'll be doing something he loves.

Other then that, nothing new really. I feel like I'm busy all the time, and the stress gets to me, but everyone goes through that.

I'll talk with you all soon, I hope all is going well!

Monday, April 19, 2010


Still NO job. It really, well, it really sucks.
I need $$$$.
Is anyone else having this problem?
Please tell me I'm not in this alone...

On a positive note, I have been working out lately, and I'm really enjoying it!
Well, during it I kinda feel awful, but after I feel great, and it's so worth it.
Any work out tips?

Thanks everyone. :)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

job interviews and sore feet.

My feet ache.
I had 2 job interviews today, so I wore some cute, nice looking black flats, and my feet are killing me.

Oh well, I guess if I get a job, it's worth it.
One interview was at Old Navy and the other was at a store called Buckle.
I'd rather work at Buckle, but the interview was so short, that I am pretty sure they aren't gonna hire me, and thats why they didn't really take a lot of time to talk to me. I have another interview with Old Navy tomorrow, I think I'll be doing some floor-work, not really super nervous about that, it should go ok.

It was like 80 degrees outside in Colorado today.
So so pretty!
I love spring. :D

Tell me about your day?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Many Apologies.

I have been a terrible blogger.
I just sort of left without notice didn't I?
I have been crazy busy, with school, looking for a job, and taking care of my grandma, she just got out of the hospital, but I could of found a minute to at least say hey, and I haven't so I am very sorry dear friends.

I don't know how often I will be blogging from now on, but I will try to get better at it, I promise.

Life has been one big crazy mess lately, in a way, I don't mind, I like being productive, and feeling accomplished, but tonight, I was lazy. I finished my day with some tea and a good book, and a little facebook stalking. :p

I guess it's not really stalking though, since facebook displays EVERYTHING.
I'm not a creep, I promise.

I think that's it for tonight though. :)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

An older, more knowledgeable you.

I've spent the last hour or so looking at student loans with my mom and talking about life, it sort of inspired me to write this. I really could of used something like this when I was younger. Hope you are all having a good day/night. :)

Dear Amanda,

You're 15 now, 16 will come soon enough. Stop worrying about boys so much sweetie, trust me, most of them, aren't worth your time. A couple years from now, when you look back at this time in your life, you'll see what I mean. Be single for now, be 15, have fun. Boys will come and go, sometimes your heart will break, but not for long, and yeah, you will break a heart or two yourself, and that's growing up girl, its life, but please, do me a favor and don't worry about this right now, you're so young. When you graduate and go on with your life, nobody will care if you dated the popular boy.

So your "bff" hates you, she won't forever, friends fight, and not all friends stick around, but every friend that comes in to your life is a blessing so hold on to them while you can. A few of your friends will love you forever, as time goes on, it will become increasingly clear to you who these people are.

Don't worry so much about your parents, I know it's hard, but I promise you there is nothing you can do. People fall out of love with each other, and if they get divorced, stay strong, have faith in God, and cry if you need to. Everything happens for a reason, you're strong, you'll be ok.

Most importantly, love yourself. Be your own best friend, and trust yourself. This is probably the best advice I can give you. It's ok if you don't understand your feelings all the time. You are still growing, and becoming the person you're supposed to be. Realize that you will never be perfect, all you can do is try to be the best version of yourself. Everything happens for a reason, and life is hard sometimes, but it's so beautiful, and you have so much to be thankful for!

An older, more knowledgeable you.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Makes You Think.

Inspiring Stuff.
It made me cry.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The City.

Denver Colorado.
Sometimes I forget how absolutely wonderful it is, because I get to see it all the time, so I thought tonight I would share with you something that I love. Enjoy. :)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Living, Breathing, and Following Oprah?

Ok so my goal to get in shape was delayed a bit, because I was sick last week. I did continue to watch what I was eating, but I couldn't motivate myself to run or anything. I did lose...3 pounds. Not a lot, but a small victory.

So I started following a new blog today, check this out.

I thought it was pretty interesting.
Let me know what you think? I am curious as to what you guys think.

Monday, January 11, 2010


So, I have decided that I need to get in shape.
Not really to lose weight, but really, just to be a healthier person.
I started with that today, worked out for 40min or so,
had a salad for lunch, and some grilled chicken and fruit for dinner.
Doing pretty good so far, and even though it's only been one day, I'm pretty excited. Hopefully within a couple weeks I will start seeing some results.

....Today has been mostly un-eventful.
I found out one of my guy friends has made the decision to serve his country and become a marine. I really am happy for him, but at the same time, I don't want him to go, I'm scared of what could happen to him in the future. :(

Let's see....what else......
I go back to school on the 20th, yay college!
Because of the conditions on my scholarship, I have to at least keep up a 3.5 grade average, so that is sorta scary, I really can't afford to lose it. I'm blessed in that way though, school always came pretty easy for me, except for math, that's my c subject. Numbers are stupid.

Oh! This is random, but kind of funny, I was talking to someone who lives in Idaho tonight, a distant cousin of mine actually, but anyways we talked about music, and he's a big 30h!3 fan, and had no idea they were from Colorado. It made me laugh, he thinks I am the coolest person alive now, just because I live in Denver. I thought everyone knew they were from here?

Well, what is new in your life?
Give me all the details. :)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Something I wrote in like, maybe my freshman year of high-school for a story I had to write. It's sorta old, so it's not great, but I don't think it's terrible.
Have a good day. :)

Promise me, you will love me forever, regaurdless of my mistakes.

Love me even though I'm always changing my mind.

Love me, even though sometimes I cry for no reason and sometimes I say ugly, and terrible things.

Love me, even though sometimes I am selfish.

Love me, even when I lie.

Love me, even though I don't always think your jokes are funny.

Love me, even though I can't stop smoking.

Love me, even when it's hard to, because I promise to love you, always.

I promise to be your rock, your foundation. I promise to love you, even when you are being a pain in the ass. I promise to love you, even when you leave the toilet seat up, and when you forget to put the lid back on the toothpaste. I promise to love you when we fight, and I promise to forgive you. I promise to love you even if you forget it's Valentines Day, and I promise to love love love you, with everything that I am, because as cliche as it is, you complete me. Sometimes I think we are destroying each other, but I don't want anything else. There isn't anyone else in this world who would put up with me, and I know that, and you know nobody else could put up with your mess, so please, Promise me?