Sunday, December 29, 2013


Hello Sweet Friends.

I will post here from time to time, but I am moving mostly to Tumblr now.

Hope to see you all soon.


Friday, December 27, 2013

You're my best friend, and I love you.

Here we are, laying in your bed.

Not laying like sleeping, or laying like fucking.
Just laying, talking. Laughing.

You tell me I'm the girl you have had in your life the longest, other than your Mom. We laugh more. You move my hair out of my face. I wonder if this will be the night, this will be the time that changes everything. You'll realize we are perfect, you'll kiss me, hard, but in my heart, I know none of that will happen.

I'm trying to keep an eye on you since you had more than enough to drink tonight at the bar.
My hand is laying next to yours, you pick it up and put your fingers through mine.
I draw lazy circles on your chest with my fingers before laying my head on your shoulder.
I wonder if you know how your eyes sparkle, or how pink your cheeks get when you have a huge smile on your face. Not the half smile most of the world gets, but the genuine smile that I get to see.

I wonder if she knows just how much I care about you.

I know you will be falling asleep soon, your words are farther and farther apart. I make sure you have a clear path to your bathroom, just in case you get sick again after I leave. I take your shoes off and find the extra blanket in your closet to cover you with. I leave a glass of water and Tylenol on the table next to your bed.

You notice I'm getting ready to leave. "Stay" you say. I say something like "Why would I stay with your drunk ass?" You say "Good, you better leave, you couldn't resist me anyways" with a smug grin. Then, you thank me, in the soft voice you use when you call me late at night. I turn off your light, lock the door to your apartment and leave.

To the closed door I'll say, "I love you, you're my best friend."

I drive back to my Mom's, crawl to my bed in the basement, and miss your hands on mine.
I miss the smell of your bed.

I miss you.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Hey there, Bright Eyes.

I went to Starbucks today, and while I was waiting for my soy no water chai, I overheard a group of women talking about this boy with the purple and blue mohawk sitting at a different table. I am certain he knows they are talking about him. They keep pointing at him and whispering to each other. They didn't know anything about him, maybe he was having the worst day of his life, maybe holiday's aren't a happy time for him, maybe, it's the best day he has had in a long time, maybe he's getting ready to tell someone he loves them for the very first time in his life. Maybe, just maybe, that kid is the nicest person they will never get to know. As I leave, I can hear Atmosphere playing loudly through the headphones that he is using to block out the world. I take a minute to compliment his choice in music, and he looks up at me. He has a cute smile and bright eyes, and in the end, he gets the last laugh. He will get through this life just fine without having to care or hear what they think. Be kind to one another, it's not that difficult

Sunday, December 15, 2013


I hate that I can't shake these feelings for you.
I hate that I think every single thing you do is fucking perfection.

A snapchat of a ginger snap with a smiley you drew on it?
I should think that is so lame. Anyone else would.

I wish I could talk myself out of liking you.
I try to. ALL THE TIME.

I hate that you have the best smile.
I hate knowing, deep down in my heart, that even if you ever liked me back, I am almost 100% sure it would never work.

I hate that you dominate my dreams.
I hate that in some ways, I let you treat my badly, because I never act like I'm upset when you "forget" to text me.

I hate that even when I start talking to other guys, I always come back to you.
I hate that I had feelings for you, even during my last serious relationship.

I hate being your friend.
Don't get me wrong, I love that when something sad happens, you feel like you can talk to me. I love the way you hug me when I'm sad, with your arms over my shoulders, and pull my face in to your chest. It makes me feel protected, and small, but in a good way, like you are so big, you can keep everything from hurting me.

I hate being your friend. I hate when you tell me about girls, your hookups, how you like her because she doesn't expect you to pay. How physical your time together is. I act happy, tell you that's great, maybe I will even throw in some story about a date I went on, to make it all seem good. I go home and cry. Almost the second I get in my car, I miss you.

I hate knowing, that I don't mean as much to you.

I don't think I am in love with you, but do I love you? Yes.
I will love you always, and always from afar, because I will never tell you how I feel, and well, they say, when you really love someone, their happiness is more important to you than your own.

It's true. I know I couldn't give you all the joy you deserve in this beautiful life. I will never be a great snow-boarder. I stress out easily, and you are so smooth, so easy going, no worries.

I hope I meet someone, or that someday, I find the strength to let go of this friendship, but it seems that every time I gather the strength to let it die. You text me "What are you doing today? Let's hangout, hope you can!"

Then just like that, my heart is back up in my throat.

I just want to let you go. I have to, but it's so sad.