friendz

I hate that I can't shake these feelings for you.
I hate that I think every single thing you do is fucking perfection.

A snapchat of a ginger snap with a smiley you drew on it?
I should think that is so lame. Anyone else would.

I wish I could talk myself out of liking you.
I try to. ALL THE TIME.

I hate that you have the best smile.
I hate knowing, deep down in my heart, that even if you ever liked me back, I am almost 100% sure it would never work.

I hate that you dominate my dreams.
I hate that in some ways, I let you treat my badly, because I never act like I'm upset when you "forget" to text me.

I hate that even when I start talking to other guys, I always come back to you.
I hate that I had feelings for you, even during my last serious relationship.

I hate being your friend.
Don't get me wrong, I love that when something sad happens, you feel like you can talk to me. I love the way you hug me when I'm sad, with your arms over my shoulders, and pull my face in to your chest. It makes me feel protected, and small, but in a good way, like you are so big, you can keep everything from hurting me.

I hate being your friend. I hate when you tell me about girls, your hookups, how you like her because she doesn't expect you to pay. How physical your time together is. I act happy, tell you that's great, maybe I will even throw in some story about a date I went on, to make it all seem good. I go home and cry. Almost the second I get in my car, I miss you.

I hate knowing, that I don't mean as much to you.

I don't think I am in love with you, but do I love you? Yes.
I will love you always, and always from afar, because I will never tell you how I feel, and well, they say, when you really love someone, their happiness is more important to you than your own.

It's true. I know I couldn't give you all the joy you deserve in this beautiful life. I will never be a great snow-boarder. I stress out easily, and you are so smooth, so easy going, no worries.

I hope I meet someone, or that someday, I find the strength to let go of this friendship, but it seems that every time I gather the strength to let it die. You text me "What are you doing today? Let's hangout, hope you can!"

Then just like that, my heart is back up in my throat.

I just want to let you go. I have to, but it's so sad.